Whether you keep having the same fight over and over again, or you can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with your relationship, getting outside help can get you from relationship rut to #couplegoals.
Although there’s a lot to look forward to from couples counseling, keep in mind that it won’t necessarily be an easy process. Here are seven ways to mentally and emotionally prepare for therapy with your partner:
1. Make sure you are both 100% invested in attending therapy together
It may seem obvious, but your (or your partner's) enthusiasm for therapy could eclipse the other one's hesitation.
“Quite often it is one partner who has suggested that the couple seek couples counseling," says Dr. Nicoletta Skoufalos, a psychologist in Manhattan, "and the other partner is reluctant about beginning this process."
Having trouble rallying your significant other to go? Take time to listen to their concerns with an open mind.
“It can be helpful to give the not-so-excited partner an opportunity to have some of their concerns or questions addressed prior to the session," adds Dr. Skoufalos.
After all, the more dedicated you both are to the process, the more profoundly your relationship will grow and heal.
2. Discuss shared goals for therapy with your partner
When you're both on board for starting therapy, it's time to land on your mutual shared goals for your time in sessions.
Dr. Skoufalos suggests asking each other strategic questions to unveil those goals, including:
- How do we want to grow as a couple?
- Do we need to work on our conflict style?
- What’s our attachment style?
- Is there any codependency in our relationship?
- Could we improve the quality or frequency of our intimacy?
- Are we abusive to each other?
- Do we have shared goals, and what are our goals as a couple?
- Do we need to work on listening to and validating each other?
Once you have a clearer idea of what you want out of therapy, it can be easier to find a therapist who’s prepared to help you meet those goals.
Download Your Free How to Prepare for Couples Counseling: 7 Ways to Get Ready for Your First Session Guide
3. Start your search for a couples counselor by prioritizing comfort and fit
While all couples counselors (also called couples therapists) have specialized skills in working with couples, they have different approaches and styles. This means that it’s important for you and your partner or partners to prioritize comfort and fit when it comes to picking the right therapist for you.
Here's how to make sure you land on the right fit:
- Read therapist bios and watch introductory videos if they have any: A therapist’s professional statement and introductory video can give you a helpful sense of the therapist’s demeanor and how they speak.
- Come up with a list of questions to ask the therapist, such as "Have you worked with couples who have [our issue]?" Being honest up front about your challenge will get you further, faster.
- Schedule 2-3 initial phone calls with providers. Learn about each therapist’s approach to couples counseling and decide which appeals to both of you. You can schedule these phone calls directly from the therapist’s profile on Zencare, saving you time (no phone tag!).
- Consider speaking to therapists on the phone separately to make sure you both would feel comfortable proceeding with in-person sessions.
4. Clear your schedule for your first appointment
When it's time for your first appointment, clear your schedule as much as is feasible — this includes time after the session too. After the first session, you may want to have time to reflect (together or apart) and practice self-care.
If you have a late-day or evening appointment, for example, consider leaving the rest of the night free so you can emotionally rest and recharge afterwards.
5. Get ready to share personal history
While it is "couples" counseling, your sessions will likely include stories, memories, thoughts, and feelings that are just yours, and not necessarily part of the relationship.
Getting a sense of your family history is important for a couples counselor; it helps them understand your emotional bonds and attachment styles, which can then provide insight into how you relate to others.
Emotional bonds can affect everything from who you choose as a partner, to how well your relationship flows, and even how your relationship might end. Get ready to dive in deep!
6. Decide whether – and what – you want to tell your friends
Having different relationships is crucial for our overall health. We can’t expect our partner to be our lover, our BFF, our personal chef, and our workout buddy all in one. Those additional roles are what friends are for.
What friends aren’t for? Making you feel embarrassed about going to couples counseling. Whether or not you tell your friends is totally your call – but when it comes to couples counseling, remember that you’re not obligated to anyone but yourself and your partner, and that you respect your partner’s privacy as well. Especially if you share friends, talking about who you’re going to tell and what you’re going to tell them decreases the chances of you feeling blindsided.
7. Know that it’s okay to be nervous about your first session!
Many couples who go to counseling together are, understandably, anxious about their first appointment. After all, you may be opening up about certain challenges and intimate issues that you and your partner have only ever spoken about to each other. In some cases, you might be sharing things you’ve never even told your partner.
It’s completely normal – common, actually – to feel anxious about embarking on this new experience. Don’t worry if one (or both) of you is still hesitant on the day of, as this is part of the therapy experience. Your therapist may even start your conversation by asking how you’re feeling and why you might be anxious.
"Unknowns make many people anxious. It can be helpful to simply be patient and stay hopeful that after both partners meet the therapist, some of the anxieties about going to couples counseling will be put at ease," says Dr. Skoufalos.
And remember: The last thing your therapist is going to do is judge you.They’re there to help you manage and understand your emotions in a way that can help you both move forward.
High fives to both of you for taking this important step towards repairing your relationship! So long as you're both committed to putting in the work, you’re off to a great start. Now all that’s left is to find the perfect therapist to help you. When searching Zencare’s therapist directory, filter by Specialty and you’ll find high-quality, vetted couples therapists in your area.