How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable developing trust in relationships and aren’t afraid to become close to other people, which sounds pretty nice! So how do you develop a secure attachment style? We’ve collected the information to get you started.

A dark skinned adult sits on a couch across from another dark skinned adult sitting in a chair taking notes

What does a secure attachment style look like?

A secure attachment style looks like being at ease in intimate, close relationships (both romantically and platonically!). People who have secure attachment feel right at home when they’re dating, making new friends, or working alongside coworkers. They trust that others will do their part in maintaining a healthy and appropriate connection and don’t feel stressed or anxiety when alone.

Any of the following behaviors also suggest a secure attachment style:

There are many more ways that someone can display a general secure attachment, too. But this is not to say that people who have secure attachment do not have issues with their mental health at times! They simply feel good about connecting with others and do generally so in healthy ways.

How does a person develop a secure attachment style in childhood?

Your attachment style develops as a result of the care you received as a baby and as a child. Attachment theory posits that your first relationships are incredibly impactful — that how your caregivers raised you will influence your attachment style.

When you’re a baby, your brain hasn’t yet learned how people connect with one another, including what they say, how they treat each other, and what closeness looks like. As with everything else, babies and young children learn by example, so when their caregivers act a certain way, they learn to act that way as well. Most importantly, babies take in and record how they feel when they’re around people. This plays out across childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

How do I move to a secure attachment style as an adult?

Growing up in a stable, trusting environment is a privilege. While some adults were not given the opportunity to develop a secure attachment style as babies and children, that’s not to say that it will never happen for them. There are many ways to develop a more secure attachment style, even when you’re past the critical age for development.

Here are a few ways to move to a secure attachment style as an adult:

How do you find someone with a secure attachment style?

While you develop a more secure attachment style, you might be wondering where you can find others with secure attachment styles. There are certainly attributes to look for in people with secure attachment styles and surrounding yourself with these types of people is a great way to grow healthy, stable relationships.

Here’s what to look for when you’re searching for others with secure attachment styles:

Whether you’re developing your own secure attachment or looking for someone who has one, knowing more about the topic — and how you personally relate to others — can help you. We’ll be the first to admit that relationships are complicated, so having a therapist to help you sort through your feelings, experiences, and needs is a great way to practice feeling secure.