Breakups: Aren’t they just the worst?
Breakups can feel overwhelming, leaving you emotionally drained, mentally exhausted, and grappling with a whirlwind of emotions — depression, loneliness, and loss of sense of self. But here’s the good news: they don’t have to control your life forever.
At some point, after your third Sunday spent glued to the couch, endlessly scrolling through old texts you promised yourself you wouldn’t re-read, you might start searching for answers. You wonder how long the hurt will last, how soon you’ll be ready to move on, and when, if ever, you’ll feel like yourself again. How long does it really take to get over a breakup? When will the heartbreak finally ease?
It’s a painful journey, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. The end of a relationship can feel like a profound loss, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Taking the time to process your emotions, reflect on what you’ve learned, and reconnect with yourself can pave the way for a stronger, more resilient you.
We turned to two therapists for their expert advice on how to mourn the end of a relationship—and what steps you can take to speed up your healing process and move on. They emphasized that while there’s no magic formula for recovery, there are strategies that can help you find your footing again.
Whether it’s practicing self-compassion, surrounding yourself with supportive friends, or finding new hobbies that bring you joy, these small steps can make a big difference in your healing journey. Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to move at your own pace.
Here’s their breakup wisdom, along with seven practical tips to help you recover faster.
1. Give yourself three months to begin to heal
The biggest question most people have is, “How long does it take to get over a breakup?” Studies suggest that the vast majority of people start to feel better around three months post-breakup. One study, which evaluated 155 undergraduates who’d been through breakups in the last six months, found that 71 percent start to feel significantly better around the 11-week mark, or around three months. How long it takes to get over heartbreak varies, though, based on how long you were together and the circumstances of the relationship or breakup. Divorces, understandably, often take the longest to get over: one survey from fifties.com (a site that no longer exists) on marital splits found that divorcees need around 17 months and 26 days to catch their breath, get of the emotional rollercoaster, and move on.
However, there is no set amount of time for convalescence after a breakup. The timeline is different for everyone, and it may, in fact, be less healthy to hold yourself to a specific recovery date waiting for the emotional pain to end. “I would actually caution a client from getting too attached to the notion that there is some sort of equation or ‘right’ amount of time to get over a break-up,” says Dr. Sarah Bren, a psychologist in Manhattan. She shares that there's no one single miracle date you can add to your calendar where you will wake up refreshed in your daily life with full closure, though in a matter of weeks you might start to notice some change.
2. Avoid holding yourself to a deadline
Pop culture is rich with a gamut of unfounded equations for moving on after a breakup. Take, for example, the oft-cited Sex and the City theory that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over an ex. The truth is, getting over a breakup is a far more nuanced undertaking than some generalized calculation. Your own timeline will depend on your unique situation and personality, so avoid holding yourself to a deadline, as this might cause stress or even disappointment.
“Healing from a breakup is like moving through grief after any loss,” points out Mary Breen, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Manhattan. “It is an ugly, messy process with no definitive time frame for how long it will take.”
To lose a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner in a breakup is never a good experience. In fact, the pain of a breakup can be a similar experience to the one we feel at the death of a loved one. Missing that romantic connection is challenging and complicated, and you will experience a lot of bad days. In the aftermath of a breakup, the feelings of hurt and anger, mental health issues, and memories of happiness and trust represent an opportunity to heal and develop coping strategies, but time can be an important factor in returning to your sense of normal. Taking all the time that you need is an important step to let go of the past and heal after your breakup.
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3. Recognize that personal history affects your “recovery time”
“In reality, the end of a serious relationship is going to mean very different things to different people — and how long it will hurt could be impacted by earlier experiences like trauma or losses of other significant people in their life,” says Dr. Bren.
That means anything from your upbringing to your dating history, and past relationships, to your attachment style can have a significant impact. Your journey is yours alone, so do your best not to compare yourself with others who may have healed quicker or more slowly because of who they are.
Your reasons for the breakup are not a problem but will define how comfortable you are with moving on and getting back to your normal self. Days, weeks, months, or years, depending on your relationship and circumstances, your personal history and circumstances may determine if it will take a long time to heal emotionally and move on towards a new life and a better future.
4. Let yourself let go
“Accepting that we can feel sad and also feel happiness is an important part of the healing process and getting through a breakup, because it reduces our chances of getting stuck in our sadness and becoming hopeless,” says Dr. Bren. Sadness is okay, because if we allow it to be, we are also allowing it to pass. This is a huge component of mindfulness — letting thoughts and feelings pass without judgement.
According to Dr. Bren, letting go of the expectations to which we tend to hold ourselves following a breakup — and giving ourselves permission to feel heartache and grief devoid of judgment and without rushing the transition to happy thought – can actually help us to feel better sooner.
Science confirms the benefits of releasing judgement. One study used a prompt called “love reappraisal,” which encouraged participants to absorb statements of acceptance like “It’s okay to love someone I’m no longer with.” The result? Though it didn’t help participants move on from the breakup immediately, they did experience a weaker emotional response to items like photos of their exes. In comparison, thinking about things they don’t like about their exes, such as an annoying habit, helped them move on but also brought their moods down, showing distress in the short run.
Dr. Bren encourages gentle self-discipline with sorrow. “While we are giving ourselves permission to feel our pain with no pressure of an expiration date, it is a good idea to find ways not to wallow in the pain or get stuck feeling that as our only feeling,” Dr. Bren says. “Some ideas for coping during this time of sadness is to connect with friends and others who can offer supportive distraction — go to a funny movie or go out for a nice meal with good conversation.”
Don’t get cheated out or miss the chance to indulge your feelings about your breakup, but don’t get consumed by them either. Choose to spend time with friends and company to clear your mind, have fun, and disrupt your negative perspective.
5. Embrace self-care as a coping mechanism
Both Breen and Dr. Bren agree that self-care is especially important following a breakup and can help you with your breakup timeline. While you might be tempted to wallow in a puddle of Ben & Jerry’s, now is the time to snap into the opposite action. Make sure you’re eating well, getting the right level of physical exercise, and consistently getting adequate sleep to keep your emotional energy levels high. Creating healthy priorities in your daily routine, engaging in hobbies and new learning opportunities allows you to reach your goal, pick up the pieces and close the door on the old romantic relationship.
Also helpful — getting in touch with your inner balance. “Mindfulness or meditation exercises are very helpful for building up the mental muscles to refocus our attention onto positive things, even when we are also feeling sad,” says Dr. Bren.
Breen adds, “By taking a few actionable steps with regular doses of self-compassion, the waves of pain from your ‘whole’ body-ache will become fewer and farther apart.”
Struggling to get up and at ’em after your breakup? Ask a trusted friend to hold you accountable or try methods of recharging your lack of motivation. Good friendships offer a ready support system and remind you of your inner power, which can be helpful to get you started and to stay connected with people so you can get over your breakup.
6. Realize that this is the reason it hurts so much
“Heartbreak is a psychological experience for the mind and body,” says Breen. “It actually hurts, because we now know that emotional and physical pain come from the same place in our brain. We also know that falling in love, and emotional and physical intimacy release a whole host of positive, feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and epinephrine into our bodies.”
And when a relationship comes to an end? “The amount of those powerful neurotransmitters drastically drops, causing our brain to respond the same way it would in a withdrawal from drug addiction.” Psst — that’s a big ouch.
7. Try talking it out to get out of the depths
When getting over your breakup, talking to a therapist can be tremendously valuable during a breakup, especially for those who struggle to accept the melancholy without attaching to it or for those who feel alone in their recovery. Many therapists specialize in working with clients who are going through major life transitions, like breakups. They understand how difficult it can be to reintegrate into a changed daily routine — and they can teach you skills in finding a new way of living that’s authentic to you, individually.
“Oftentimes when people are going through a painful breakup, it can feel isolating and difficult to talk about such strong emotions with friends and family for fear of burning out our support systems or having to navigate a lot of ‘fix-it’ advice,” says Dr. Bren. “A therapist provides a neutral and safe space to talk in depth about the breakup without risk of judgment or pressure to ‘fix it.’”
How long does heartbreak last? While there’s unfortunately no magic math or one right way to get over a breakup, embracing self-care and surrounding yourself with the right foundation of support can help. Release unrealistic expectations of yourself, cry without worry and shed as many tears as you need or respect your feelings of anger at the confusion of the situation. Suspend all judgment on the number of times you re-watch Call Me By Your Name, or how many sappy songs you listen to on repeat! Spend time on conversation and friendships that matter, engage in healthy activities, respect the time it takes to grieve, and remember the ending of one relationship is just giving you time to prepare for the beginning of a new relationship. Things change, you will get to a better place soon!
If you’re struggling to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, Zencare can be a valuable resource to help you find the right therapist to support your journey. Zencare specializes in connecting people with highly vetted, quality therapists who understand the complexities of breakups and the emotional challenges that come with them. Whether you're seeking help with processing your grief, managing anxiety, or simply needing someone to talk to, Zencare offers a platform where you can easily find a therapist who fits your needs.