You might have heard of “weaponized incompetence” or "strategic incompetence" on social media — to date, there are thousands of posts and thousands of creators on all forms of social media with a list of things that incorporate this term. These posts are generally examples of situations where one person fails a task so terribly that another person has to do extra work and pick up the pieces on different levels.
Sounds familiar? No wonder, weaponized incompetence is a very common issue, affecting lots of families and households. However, it can mask very well as a genuine ineptitude — you partner doesn't have to know everything and be good at all household things after all, right? So how do we distinguish between those? This article will help you with exactly that. We'll talk about some clear examples of weaponized incompetence, and how it leads to relationship issues. Is weaponized incompetence done intentionally and what are the necessary skills to identify it? And is it simply miscommunication, defense mechanism or an actual manipulation tactic? We’ve answered these questions and gave specific examples below so you can recognize when it occurs and work towards more balanced and healthy relationships.
What is weaponized incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence or skilled incompetence describes a scenario in which one person, whether consciously or unconsciously, demonstrates failure at simple tasks (often in domestic spheres) so they can get out of what should be the bare minimum of shared responsibilities. They might suddenly forget how to complete domestic tasks, everyday-life chores and suggest that you do it instead. Or they might mess up basic tasks on purpose so you’re more inclined to do the work, leaving them without the burden of responsibility. It’s a real problem that is way to shirk accountability and responsibility, and is a sure way to erode trust and create more mental load within a relationship. When one partner displays signs of weaponized incompetence, the other is often left feeling exhausted, irritated and frustrated since it only increases their emotional (and often physical) burden.
Is weaponized incompetence a form of gaslighting?
Yes, weaponized incompetence without a doubt is a form of gaslighting. Let's dive into this in more detail.
Gaslighting describes part of a manipulative pattern by an individual that pointedly suggests that another person isn’t making sense or that they are acting irrationally as a way to make them confused and insecure. Gaslighting is often done for the benefit of one person at the cost of another person, leaving the victim confused and in doubt about their own sanity and fairness. Because weaponized incompetence is a way of manipulating a relationship, it can be considered a form of gaslighting. Even though often posing as miscommunication, at its core, it is by more than simply that.
However, this behavior may be a good example to illustrate low self-esteem or a lack of confidence. It might also be a behavior that was learned during childhood, whether that’s from watching a parent engage in weaponized incompetence for a long time or through successfully engaging in the behavior themselves a little bit from a young age. However, at the root of the issue, feigning or emphasizing incompetence is manipulation, whether it’s intentional or not. The result is an imbalance and increased emotional labor in the relationship, which can cause many types of relationship issues.
What are some examples of weaponized incompetence?
There are many examples of weaponized incompetence found on social media or among TikTok and other social media creators. Sometimes, these videos can be funny and comical. Other times, however, they can bring up feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, and even hopelessness, particularly when they are all too relatable. Many of these examples confirm traditional gender roles and gender stereotypes since they are posted by women in heterosexual relationships with white, cisgendered, straight male partners, especially those that are fathers shirking child care responsibilities or demonstrating male incompetence in other ways. However, it’s important to note that weaponized incompetence can happen in all types of relationships with any family member and for people of all identities.
Common scenarios of weaponized incompetence
When it comes to scenarios where one is weaponizing incompetence, inherently these are scenarios where there are specific tasks to be done and more than one active participant involved. Weaponized incompetence happens when a person claims that they don’t know how to complete a task, particularly a simple task that most people are capable of completing. These tasks can include:
- Household chores like cleaning, organizing — say, you partner suddenly "forgets" how to clean windows or has no idea how to wash different types of clothing.
- Administrative tasks like keeping track of dates and creating a shopping list — they may claim they're just not good at this and won't do a good job anyway
- Required activities like cooking or doing a load of laundry — you'll often hear that they're fine ordering takeout or even trying to manipulate you into cokking by saying how much they love it when you do it
- Errands that are basic in nature, like going to a grocery store — thy might feed you empty promises that they will go later or openly ignore you
- Childcare responsibilities like feeding, changing diapers, filling water bottles — young fathers are especially guilty of that, claiming that they just don't have the same bond with the baby as the mother does
- Financial responsibilities like paying bills or managing monthly expenses — your asks may just be ignored until you eventually give up and do everything yourself
- Planning and scheduling activities that are required for an organized week — this will leave you feeling exhausted and feeling like you're the only person putting an effort into your relationship since your partner seems completely uninterested in making plans
An example scenario involving weaponized incompetence between a husband and wife:
A wife asks her husband to do the laundry on Sunday afternoon so their child can go to school in a clean uniform Monday morning. The husband tells his wife that he doesn’t know how to use the washer, or doesn’t know how to clean the uniforms properly and says, “You know how to use it, why don’t you take care of that one?”. The wife then responds by telling him that she’s busy helping their child with a school project, which is why she won’t have time to also do the laundry. The husband continues to engage in weaponized incompetence by telling his wife that he can’t do the laundry because he “always messes it up” and that he doesn’t want to do it “the wrong way” again. This leaves the task and shared responsibility of having their child presentable for school the next day on the wife, even though she asked her partner for support.
This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence and inefficient communication between partners. It’s true that there’s a wide spectrum of skill when it comes to these scenarios. But the big factor in identifying weaponized incompetence is that the individual doesn’t even try to improve their capability or try to help in any way. Even if they aren’t technically good at the task, you would ideally want your partner to at least attempt to complete the task genuinely with good faith, help their partner complete the task, and try to learn to be more helpful and considerate in the future. Instead, people who engage in weaponized incompetence write themselves off the tasks at hand and prefer for another person to complete it. They see their time and energy as more important than their partner’s time and energy, and insist that they simply cannot help out, always finding excuses as to why it' not a good idea for them to take care of it.
Common weaponized incompetence phrases
These are some common phrases, that can be helpful to look out for, that indicate that one might be utilizing weaponized incompetence.
Here are some commonly used phrases in weaponized incompetence:
- “I’ve never done that before, so I’m not sure I should do it.” This sentece creates a sense of uncertainty, and makes you doubt whether they're able to perform the task at all.
- “I’m not good at that task—remember last time when I made a huge mess?” People will often bring up their past failures to remind you how bad they're at certain things, making it very tempting to you to just do everything yourself to avoid a potential mess.
- “I’m so busy right now, I probably won't do a good job. How about you do it?” Being busy is also a common excuse that people use when they're trying to avoid responsibility of tasks and chores
- “I’ve never been able to do this properly, but I think you’re really good at it.” They might use flattery to get out of the task, telling you how they admire your skills and competence.
Here is some other examples of phrases that your partner can use against you in this situation that you can pay attention to to recognize it in the future:
- Why don’t you do it? You’re so much better at it than me
- I just can’t seem to get it right, no matter how hard I try
- I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t want to mess it up
- I’ll give it a shot, but don’t be mad if it’s not perfect
- Can you just show me how to do it one more time?
Sometimes they seem so genuine using these phrases that you might find yourself complying with their requests, even though it may be begrudgingly. Before you know it, you hear yourself responding to these statements by saying things like, “Fine, don’t worry about it,” or “I’ll do it myself then.” We encourage you to be mindful of these tactics though — each time you respond this way, you're letting them off the hook, leaving you with yet another item on your to-do list and potentially creating a pattern that can harm your relationship in the future.
How can I identify weaponized incompetence in my relationship?
Most commonly — and certainly most commonly talked about — weaponised incompetence occurs within the context of a romantic relationship. Often, and understandably, weaponized incompetence occurs when partners live together and share the basic responsibilities needed to live adult lives; and results in unequal division of labor. So how do you know you've been a victim of weaponized incompetence in your household?
To identify weaponized incompetence in your relationship, pay attention to the following red flags:
- Unequal Distribution of Household Responsibilities: there is an imbalance in the efforts given to keep your home running, with you taking on the largest share. While you're managing the majority of tasks—cooking, cleaning, and handling finances—your partner contributes the bare minimum if anything. This can be incredibly draining, and potentially lead to you being exhausted and feeling resentment. And this is understandable, since you struggle to maintain the household and take care of important things on your own.
- Claims of Incompetence: your partner claims that they don’t know how to do everyday tasks, despite having lived independently before you moved in together.
- Lack of Improvement Despite Being Given Multiple Opportunities: your partner takes no efforts to improve their competence even though you've given them numerous chances. They still show little to no effort in improving and continue to perform tasks poorly or avoid them altogether, while secretly they're expecting you to intervene. All of this can leave you feeling lost and frustrated since you see it as a lack of respect for your time and effort.
- Recurring Patterns of Behavior: this isn't an isolated incident but a recurring pattern. No matter how many times the same situation occurs, or how many times you urge them to not forget certain things, they conveniently slip their mind time and time again.
- Dismissal of Concerns: whenever you bring these problems up with them, they end up being dismissed as small things unworthy of a fight. This attitude can leave you feeling unheard and unsupported.
- Disproportionate Praise Seeking: occasionally (very occasionally( your partner expresses initiative and finally does something you've been asking them to do for months. However, they will normally seek excessive praise and recognition even though the effort they put it was really minimal, like the dishwasher.
When these behaviors are consistently present, they may point to a deeper issue within the relationship. One partner is unfairly burdened with the majority of responsibilities, while the other avoids equal contribution. If you want to have a balanced partnership, you need to have open communication, address this dynamic and set boundaries. It may be worth considering talking to a clinical psychologist if it seriously affect you.
Can weaponized incompetence only happen at home?
Weaponized incompetence doesn’t only happen at home. It can occur in all types of settings and relationships, whether romantic, familiar, friendly or professional. Of course it is more common in situations where people live together and share responsibilities. Within the home, partners and spouses can often engage in weaponized incompetence — but so can parents, siblings, and children. For some individuals, engaging in this type of behavior can be age appropriate. For example, it is very common among teenagers. If they're used to their parents doing all of the chores, they might push back on needing to do their own chores. Annoying as it may be, this is a normal part of adulting and it usually comes at a stage where they’re learning to challenge authority. To do this, they might pretend like they don’t know how to complete a chore or purposefully do a bad job to spite their parents. While more understandable, this type of weaponized incompetence is still an unhealthy behavior and needs to be addressed. Otherwise, it will turn into a pattern that they will adopt and actively use in other relationships in the future.
Weaponized incompetence is applicable to many situations. The term “weaponized incompetence” actually has origins in the workplace. In a professional setting, it was first used to describe a situation in which one coworker pretends not to know how to complete a task so they can avoid the responsibility, leaving their coworkers to pick up the slack for them.
How can I work through weaponized incompetence?
The good news is that there are ways to work through weaponized incompetence. While it may take time — you may need to practice new patterns over weeks and months to make them a habit — it is certainly possible to challenge these behaviors and replace them with healthier ways to balance household responsibilities. Working through weaponized incompetence can help you build a stronger relationship and creates an opportunity to further build a bond that is built on trust and mutual respect.
One of the most important aspects of working through weaponized incompetence is building strong communication skills. Learning how to communicate your feelings and drawing your partner’s attention to how their lack of action makes you feel can help them understand why their shirking is not an acceptable behavior.
Setting clear boundaries is a key component of strong communication. Having conversations about your boundaries before a behavior occurs can a great way to ensure that they’re respected, as you can reference your previous conversation in the moment without your partner feeling blindsided.
You can also have a conversation about how you’ll hold each other accountable. However, if your partner continues to engage in weaponized incompetence despite you asking them to act in a respectful, fair way, then it may be time to consider leaving the relationship.
How can therapy help with weaponized incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence, even when unintentional or unrecognized, can be a huge reason for relationship issues since it causes an imbalnce. One partner constantly feels unappreciated and undervalued, while the other constantly feels attacked and blamed for their lack of effort. Don't dismiss it as a small issue however — just because your partner constantly leaves dishes in the sink doesn't mean the issue is not serious and can be brushed over. Therapy can help you sort through your relationship issues and come up with a plan to address this particular pattern of behavior.
You can engage in both individual therapy sessions or, if you partner is open to it, couples counseling.
During individual therapy sessions, you’ll typically unpack your thoughts and feelings and receive helpful perspectives from your therapist. Your therapists will show you how to recognize the signs of weaponize incompetence better and teach you some practical tolls to communicate your feelings to your partner. You might practice setting boundaries through role-playing with your therapist, or you might learn more about effective communication strategies to use in your relationship.
You can also work with a therapist in a couples therapy setting. With this type of session, you and your partner will meet with a therapist together and talk through your issues. Your therapist can provide helpful feedback and facilitate the difficult conversations that are often difficult to have without a mediator. They will come with boundary setting and working through relationship issues, and will, hopefully, help you to heal your relationship. Both individual and couples sessions can be beneficial to fix these issues..
If you would like to start therapy to help with relationship issues, finding a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable around is of paramount importance to therapy outcomes. You can search the Zencare therapist directory to find a therapist in your area who specializes in this area by using the Zencare directory filters. Watch their introductory videos to get a sense of their personality and therapy style. Once you’ve found someone that you think would be a good fit, reach out for a call.