In recent years, the concept of open relationships has gained significant attention and interest, particularly within the context of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). As societal norms around romantic and sexual relationships evolve, more people are exploring the possibilities of having multiple romantic partners. This guide delves into the various aspects of open relationships, offering insights into how they work, their potential benefits, and the challenges that might arise. Whether you're currently in a monogamous relationship and considering a shift, or you're curious about how polyamorous relationships function, this guide provides the information you need.
What Defines an Open Relationship?
An open relationship is a form of consensual non-monogamy where both partners agree that each may have sexual relationships with others in an ethical manner. The key component here is mutual consent and transparency. Unlike traditional monogamous relationships, where exclusivity is expected, open relationships allow for romantic and sexual connections outside the primary partnership.
- Primary Partner: In many open relationships, individuals still maintain a primary relationship, which is often the most emotionally significant connection they have. This primary couple usually sets the ground rules for how outside relationships are managed. The primary partner is typically the one with whom an individual shares the most significant emotional bond, financial responsibilities, and often cohabitates. The presence of a primary partner helps provide a sense of stability and security in a relationship structure that involves multiple romantic connections.
- Umbrella Term: "Open relationship" is often used as an umbrella term to describe various types of non-monogamous relationships, including polyamory, where multiple romantic relationships are maintained simultaneously. Under this umbrella, there can be various relationship structures, such as hierarchical polyamory, where primary and secondary partners are defined, or relationship anarchy, where no one relationship is prioritized over another.
“I think about ‘open relationships’ as an umbrella term for relationship structures that are intentionally and ethically non-monogamous. There can be lots of different structures, agreements, and relationships that this includes,” says Kira Manser, a licensed clinical social worker in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.
How are open relationships and polyamory different?
Polyamory vs. Open Relationships
While both polyamorous and open relationships fall under the broader category of non-monogamous relationships, they are distinct in several ways:
- Polyamorous Relationships: In polyamory, individuals maintain multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. These relationships are often emotionally significant, with each partner playing a vital role in the person's life. Polyamory is not just about having multiple sexual partners; it's about forming deep, meaningful romantic connections with more than one person. For many in polyamorous relationships, the emotional bond is as important, if not more so, than the sexual relationship.
- Open Relationships: Open relationships, on the other hand, often focus on sexual freedom rather than deep emotional connections. Partners may engage in sexual activities with others without the expectation of forming a romantic relationship. This type of relationship is often appealing to those who are satisfied with their primary romantic relationship but seek sexual variety or exploration outside of it. Open relationships may involve casual encounters, one-night stands, or ongoing sexual relationships with others that do not involve significant emotional involvement.
- Overlap and Differences: While there is overlap between polyamory and open relationships, the key difference lies in the intention and depth of the connections formed outside the primary partnership. In polyamory, all relationships are often considered equal, with each partner potentially holding a significant emotional role. In open relationships, the primary partnership remains the most important, with outside relationships being more casual or focused on sexual fulfillment.
“There are polyamorous couples who consider each other their primary partners and each of their other partners often become extended family and sometimes lovers with both primaries,” says Dr. Barbara E. Warren, a psychologist in New York City. “Many in the polyamory communities are also gender diverse, are into kink and consider themselves hetero or homo flexible in their sexual orientations.”
What Are Some Benefits of Open Relationships
Open relationships can offer several benefits, depending on the type of relationship structure that is established. For polyamorous individuals, having multiple committed partners can lead to greater emotional support and increased sexual satisfaction. For those in more casual open relationships, the ability to explore different sexual experiences without guilt can be a significant advantage.
- Increased Sexual Satisfaction: Engaging with multiple partners can lead to a deeper understanding of one's sexual needs and desires, enhancing overall sexual satisfaction. For example, one partner may fulfill specific sexual fantasies or desires that another partner may not be comfortable with or interested in. This flexibility allows individuals to explore their sexuality more fully without compromising the needs and boundaries of any one partner.
- Emotional Connection: Polyamorous relationships, in particular, allow for multiple emotional connections, which can provide a richer, more fulfilling romantic life. These connections can be varied, with some partners offering intellectual stimulation, others providing emotional support, and others fulfilling specific romantic or sexual desires. The diversity of these relationships can lead to a more well-rounded and satisfying romantic life.
- Personal Growth: Being in an open relationship can foster significant personal growth. The process of navigating multiple relationships requires self-awareness, good communication skills, and the ability to manage complex emotions. These skills are not only valuable in romantic relationships but also in other areas of life, such as friendships, family relationships, and professional interactions.
- Reduced Pressure on One Relationship: In a traditional monogamous relationship, there can be significant pressure on one partner to meet all of the other partner's emotional, romantic, and sexual needs. In an open or polyamorous relationship, these needs can be distributed among multiple partners, reducing the pressure on any one relationship. This can lead to a more relaxed and fulfilling relationship dynamic.
What are some rules of an open relationships?
Every open relationship is unique, and the success of such relationships often hinges on the ground rules established by the partners involved. These rules help ensure that everyone feels safe, respected, and valued.
- Clear Communication: Open communication is crucial in any relationship, but it becomes even more important in non-monogamous relationships. Partners must be honest about their needs, boundaries, and expectations. This includes discussing what types of relationships are allowed, how much time will be spent with other partners, and what information will be shared about outside relationships.
- Safe Sex Practices: Given the potential for multiple sexual partners, practicing safe sex is essential. Partners should agree on how to manage sexual health, including the use of protection and regular testing. This is not only important for physical health but also for maintaining trust and security within the relationship.
- Time Management: Balancing multiple relationships requires a lot of work and good time management. Partners should discuss how much time they will dedicate to each relationship to avoid feelings of neglect or jealousy. It's also important to ensure that the primary relationship receives the attention and care it needs to remain strong and healthy.
- Jealousy Management: Jealousy is a natural emotion that can arise in any relationship, but it can be particularly challenging in non-monogamous relationships. Establishing clear boundaries and communication strategies for dealing with jealousy can help prevent it from becoming a significant issue.
Any “Dos” and “Don’ts” of an open relationship?
Here are some suggestions for keeping an open relationship running smoothly:
DO:
- Do invest time in developing a good sense of self awareness and ability to communicate with partners about your internal emotional world.
- Do be honest and straightforward when discussing your needs with your partners.
- Do get support and help from friends, communities, and therapeutic spaces.
- Do your research and educate yourself about different models and ways of communicating.
DON’T:
- Don’t lie or intentionally withhold information from your partner.
- Don’t take this conversation lightly.
- Don’t assume that open relationships are that much different than monogamous relationships.
Challenges of Open Relationships
While open relationships can be fulfilling, they are not without challenges. Jealousy, time management, and societal pressure are just a few of the issues that couples may face.
- Jealousy: One of the most common challenges in open relationships is jealousy. Even in consensual non-monogamy, feelings of jealousy can arise when a partner spends time with someone else. Addressing these feelings openly and honestly is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. It's important to recognize that jealousy often stems from insecurity or fear of loss, and working through these emotions can lead to personal growth and a stronger relationship.
- Social Pressure: Despite growing acceptance, non-monogamous relationships still face social stigma. Partners in open relationships may encounter judgment from friends, family, and society at large. This can be particularly challenging when it comes to introducing multiple partners to family members or when navigating social situations where non-monogamous relationships are not the norm.
- Communication Breakdown: Poor communication can quickly derail an open relationship. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and lack of transparency can lead to hurt feelings and resentment. To prevent this, it's important to establish regular check-ins with all partners to discuss any concerns, feelings, or changes in the relationship dynamic.
- Time Constraints: Managing multiple relationships can be time-consuming, and it can be challenging to balance the needs of different partners with other life responsibilities, such as work, family, and personal hobbies. It's important to be realistic about how much time and energy can be devoted to each relationship and to prioritize self-care to avoid burnout.
When might be a good time for a monogamous couple to enter an open relationship?
Consider the stage your current relationship is in, and take it from there. According to Manser, there are plenty of good times to consider entering an open relationship. This could be when a new relationship begins – or when a couple has been monogamous for a long time.
Essentially, if all is well in your relationship and you’re both open to the idea, the timing could be right.
Any times when it’s not advisable to enter an open relationship?
Kira does offer a warning to partners who struggle with communication. “The only time I would say that it is not a good idea to enter into an open relationship is if there have been lots of challenges with communication that have been hurtful or painful between partners,” she says.
Communication is vital to beginning and maintaining any relationship – and open relationships are no exception.
While open relationships can be rewarding, they are not a solution for every couple. Entering into an open relationship to "fix" a troubled monogamous relationship is generally not advisable.
- Communication Issues: If a couple is already struggling with communication, opening the relationship is likely to exacerbate these problems rather than solve them. Non-monogamous relationships require a high level of transparency and honesty, and if these elements are lacking in a monogamous relationship, they will likely be even more challenging in an open one.
- Incompatibility: If one partner is fundamentally opposed to the idea of non-monogamy, it may not be worth pursuing. It's important to weigh the value of the current relationship against the desire to explore non-monogamy. If the desire for an open relationship is driven by personal curiosity or a need for sexual variety, it may be worth considering whether these needs can be met within the existing relationship or if a different type of relationship might be more fulfilling.
- Underlying Issues: If there are underlying issues in the relationship, such as trust problems, unresolved conflicts, or emotional disconnection, these should be addressed before considering an open relationship. Adding additional partners into the mix is unlikely to resolve these issues and may even exacerbate them.
My significant other and I are in a rut. Should we try to fix it with an open relationship?
Manser is adamant that pursuing an open relationship to “save” a monogamous relationship should never be an option. “Literally never. I would put this in the same category as having a kid to save the relationship. It never works – it just makes things worse.”
How can I broach the subject of an open relationship to my monogamous partner?
If you're currently in a monogamous relationship but are curious about opening it up, approaching the topic with your partner requires tact and honesty. It's important to choose the right moment for this conversation, ensuring that both you and your partner are in a calm, non-stressful environment with plenty of time to discuss the implications.
- Use "I" Statements: When discussing your desire to explore an open relationship, focus on your own feelings and needs. For example, "I feel that I would like more freedom in my romantic life" is a non-accusatory way to express your interest. This approach helps to avoid making your partner feel blamed or inadequate.
- Reassure Your Partner: Begin the conversation by affirming your love and commitment to your current relationship. Let your partner know that your interest in an open relationship is not a reflection of dissatisfaction but rather a desire for personal growth and exploration. It's important to emphasize that your primary relationship remains a priority and that you are committed to maintaining its strength and integrity.
- Be Prepared for Resistance: Your partner may react with surprise, confusion, or even anger. It's important to be patient and allow them time to process the idea. They may have concerns about how an open relationship will affect your current dynamic or fears about how they will handle jealousy or insecurity. Be prepared to answer questions and address concerns honestly and compassionately.
- Offer to Explore Together: If your partner is hesitant but not entirely opposed, suggest exploring the concept together. This might involve reading books on consensual non-monogamy, attending workshops, or even seeing a therapist who specializes in open relationships. By approaching the idea as a team, you can strengthen your bond and ensure that both of your needs are met.
What should I do if I want to explore an open relationship – but my partner isn’t, well, open to it?
If your pursuit of an open relationship is met with hesitation, or an outright “no,” your first step in pursuing an open relationship should be determining what you and your partner need as individuals.
Are you genuinely concerned that you don’t have room for expressing your sexuality within your monogamous relationship? Or is it that your interest is piqued by the possibility of an open relationship?
It can sometimes help to offer to let the more reluctant partner “go” first. But if your partner is truly closed, ask yourself which you’d rather have more.
“If an open relationship is just something someone is curious about exploring, but doesn’t necessarily need, it might make sense to consider if the relationship is worth not exploring that part of themselves,” says Manser.
My partner and/or I have jealousy concerns. Can we still consider an open relationship?
Jealousy is a natural emotion, and it's one that many people in open relationships will encounter at some point. The key to managing jealousy lies in understanding its root cause and addressing it directly.
- Challenge the Scarcity Mindset: Jealousy often stems from a fear that love and attention are finite resources. In an open relationship, it's important to challenge this mindset and trust that there is enough love to go around. Recognize that your partner's affection for someone else does not diminish their love for you.
- Open Communication: Regularly check in with your partner(s) about how you're feeling. Address any insecurities or concerns as they arise, rather than letting them fester. This can prevent small issues from escalating into larger conflicts and helps to build trust and understanding within the relationship.
- Embrace Personal Growth: Jealousy can be an opportunity for personal growth. By examining the underlying causes of your jealousy, you can gain a deeper understanding of your own insecurities and work towards overcoming them. This process can lead to increased self-confidence and a stronger sense of self-worth, both of which are essential for a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Besides jealousy, what other points of contention should my monogamous partner and I consider when seeking an open relationship?
Don’t forget about the impact of your actions! Dr. Warren reminds her clients who are in polyamorous relationships to remember other people in their relationships.
“Like in any other relationship, polyamorous partners can have conflicts, and can sometimes feel like they need more attention or time than they are getting – and this not only affects two people, but can affect all of the people in a given polyamorous group.”
So, ultimately, what defines a “successful” open relationship?
Dr. Warren says in her experience working with polyamorous clients, being open with one another is key.
“One of the major tenets of successful polyamorous relationships is the intention and the ability for honest, open and transparent communication between all of the individuals engaged in that relationship,” she says. The same applies to any type of open relationship!
I think I need some guidance – what should I look for in a therapist for open relationships?
If you’re considering pursuing an open relationship and are looking for a therapist for guidance, Warren recommends looking for a therapist who is aware of the societal norms that do not align with polyamorous relationships – and finding someone who can help you through that.
“For therapists who are going to work with a person or persons in polyamorous relationships, it is important for the therapist to be aware of their own sometimes unconscious biases about how healthy these relationships are and can be, emotionally and sexually, especially because our society still values and pushes monogamy as the norm and the moral choice.”
The one golden rule, as is in all relationships, is to be honest and upfront with your partners. If a rule you’ve created no longer is working for you, revisit it and make edits. If you think seeing a therapist will allow you to push past some uncertainties, reach out and make an appointment. You are in charge of your happiness and creating a life that fulfills you, so approach any and all relationships with that mindset.
The Importance of Therapy in Open Relationships
For those navigating the complexities of open relationships, therapy can be an invaluable resource. A therapist who is knowledgeable about consensual non-monogamy can help couples explore their feelings, set boundaries, and work through challenges.
- Choosing the Right Therapist: Look for a therapist who is experienced in working with non-monogamous couples and who understands the unique dynamics of such relationships. It's important to find someone who is non-judgmental and open-minded, as traditional therapy models often assume monogamy as the norm.
- Addressing Biases: It's important to find a therapist who can work without imposing societal norms that favor monogamy. A good therapist will help you explore what works best for your unique relationship structure, rather than trying to fit your relationship into a predefined mold.
- Navigating Complex Emotions: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the complex emotions that can arise in open relationships, such as jealousy, insecurity, and fear of abandonment. A therapist can help you develop strategies for managing these emotions and ensure that they do not negatively impact your relationships.
Real-Life Examples and Personal Experiences
Hearing about the experiences of others who have successfully navigated open relationships can provide valuable insights and inspiration. Many people in the polyamorous community share their stories through social media, blogs, and books, offering a wealth of knowledge for those new to the concept.
- "The Ethical Slut": This book is often considered a seminal text on consensual non-monogamy, providing both theoretical insights and practical advice for those exploring open relationships. It covers topics such as jealousy, communication, and ethical considerations, making it an excellent resource for anyone considering or currently in a non-monogamous relationship.
- Online Communities: Joining online forums or social media groups dedicated to polyamory and open relationships can provide a supportive space to ask questions, share experiences, and connect with others who share similar interests. These communities can offer valuable advice and encouragement, as well as a sense of belonging for those who may feel isolated in their non-monogamous relationships.
- Personal Stories: Reading or hearing about the personal experiences of others in open relationships can provide reassurance and inspiration. Many people who have successfully navigated the challenges of non-monogamy share their stories through blogs, podcasts, and social media, offering insights into what has worked for them and what hasn't.
Conclusion: Is an Open Relationship Right for You?
Ultimately, the decision to enter an open relationship is a deeply personal one. It requires honest communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to confront and work through difficult emotions. If approached thoughtfully and with clear intentions, an open relationship can be a fulfilling and enriching experience.
- Key Takeaways:
- Open relationships require clear ground rules and ongoing communication.
- Jealousy and societal pressure are common challenges that can be managed with the right approach.
- Therapy can be a helpful tool in navigating the complexities of non-monogamous relationships.
- Personal experiences and community support can provide valuable guidance and reassurance.
Whether you're currently in a monogamous relationship and considering a change, or you're already practicing consensual non-monogamy, understanding the intricacies of open relationships is essential for building and maintaining healthy, fulfilling connections.