TV shows often glamorize our abilities to give relationship advice to our close friends. Pithy rounds of ex-bashing over brunch, one-line quips that put the relationship to rest, and it’s all solved by the time they cut to commercial. Right?
The reality, of course, knowing what the right thing is, is less straightforward. In real life, it’s hard to know how to give your friends emotional support though a difficult time or how to help a friend going through a breakup. This might be the first time that you’ve seen them feel so emotionally low. Even if you never liked their ex anyway, as a friend, it’s essential to be there for them as they heal from a breakup. Or, if they need, to give them some space. How will you know what to do to help them? Here are 8 ways to help a friend through end of a relationship.
1. Ask what you can do to help, rather than assume you know what they need
Every relationship is different – which means every breakup is, too. While you can absolutely share what was helpful for you during your own breakup (redecorating? rebounding?), it’s important not to assume the same will be true for your friend's needs for their breakup. They need to deal with it in their own way.
In short, the most helpful thing you can do right off the bat to be a supportive friend through a breakup is to ask what you can do to help. If you're not sure how, the best thing to do is to try hitting a balance between practical support and compassion with one of these phrasings:
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything you’d like to talk about, or do together?”
- “In the past, when you were in a similar emotional spot, what was helpful in feeling better?”
- "What is the best way I can support you today or any other time in the near future?"
Sometimes, what’s best gift might be to leave the offer of support open during this vulnerable time. That way, even if your friend has no idea what they need in the present to help with their breakup, they know they can approach you with their specific needs when something comes up. You could even come up with a codeword (or emoji – whether it's the heartbreak or the pizza emoji), so your heartbroken friend can text you when they do need your support though this really hard time.
2. Help them take care of chores and tasks
The emotional weight of a break-up can be all-consuming. In addition to any reminiscing and weighing of “what-ifs” of the grieving process, there’s also often sleepless nights in an empty bed and having to share the news with family members, friends, and coworkers.
In all this uncomfortable transition, a minor detail or two is bound to slip through the cracks. To the degree you're comfortable with, you can step in and go the extra mile for your friend going through a breakup a small gesture:
- Sending them a weeks' worth of meal kits, making them a delicious meal, or doing grocery shopping for them, especially if they’re feeling like they've lost their appetite or too sad to cook for themselves.
- Scheduling appointments and or making a phone call, whether that’s with a doctor or even at a hair salon for a post-breakup new look.
- Sending them new bedding to show your unconditional love. After all, there’s nothing like clean sheets after a breakup!
- Canceling old plans they had with their ex, especially if it means you can make new ones together and have a great time. This might look like selling future concert tickets or logging their ex out of their shared streaming service account.
With these tasks taken care of, your friend will have more energy through this confusing time and can channel their energy towards healing and personal growth after their breakup.
Not sure what your friend needs right now? Not sure how you can support your friend with their breakup? You can always just offer to stay with them on a weekend, offer them a listening ear and show them that they have a support system through this tough time.
3. Be around to help them “reinvent themselves”
It typically takes about three months to recover from a breakup. So, when your friend is ready, encourage them to embrace any positivity and growth they're feeling so they can move on in a healthy way.
In fact, once the clouds have lifted from the heartbreak, remind them they have a great opportunity for a fresh start. Encourage your friend to pursue an impactful self-development path, like:
- Taking up a new hobby or class. Has your friend always wanted to learn Spanish? Run a half-marathon? Encourage them to take advantage of their new free time by helping them find opportunities. You could even join, if you’re so inclined.
- Try out a new look. Again, breakups present a pure opportunity for a fresh start. Whether your friend wants to try out a bold new haircut or go shopping, offer to serve as a stylist consultant or go with them to the salon or mall.
- Make a new recipe. What’s something they’ve been craving lately? Instead of paying for it at a restaurant, try making it together at home!
Remind them that they’re investing in themselves purely for their own sake, which is a great and empowering feeling.
4. Take care of yourself throughout the process
Given all the love you're showering on your friend, make sure to save some for yourself, too! To avoid overextending yourself with breakup caregiving, set some personal limits, like:
- Making sure you have designated self-care time, like weekly therapy
- Giving yourself permission to say no if your friend wants immediate support but you aren't up to it, or have prior commitments
- Asking others in your friend group to step in and support your friend if you feel over-extended, especially if you need to set boundaries
As much as you may want to be there for your friend as they go through their breakup, keeping tabs on unhealthy patterns will prevent you from becoming codependent.
5. Don't minimize their emotions with trivializing statements
It’s important when supporting a friend going through a breakup to be aware of the language that you use when talking to them. Some statements that are meant to be comforting can come across as invalidating, and minimize your friend’s emotions.
Avoid trivializing statements like “Good thing you weren’t together too long,” or even joking remarks like “You’re way cuter than them anyway!” These can seem frivolous or careless in light of the tremendous hurt they may be feeling.
Instead, let them share how they're feeling and then validate it. To set a non-judgmental tone, use open questions and exploratory statements, like:
- Can I help relieve your sadness in any way?
- What is it that's bothering you the most about [the breakup/being single/etc.] right now?
- Help me understand why you feel so sad about [the text you got from your ex/the picture they posted on social/etc.]
Even if you secretly feel like your friend is over-reacting, remember that everyone experiences the grief of losing a relationship in different ways. All emotional reactions are valid.
6. Make sure not to cut straight to the “silver lining”
As a third party, it might be easy for you to see the potential of the previously mentioned opportunity for growth for your friend after their breakup. But your friend might not be ready to think about the future without their partner.
Emphasizing things like “Now you’re single!” or “You can finally date someone who is better!” not only invalidates your friend’s feelings of hurt but shows that you aren’t listening to them share that they’re in pain in the present.
Your friend will come around eventually after the breakup, even if it takes time. Until they get to that point, it's far more helpful to validate their emotions than to rush them.
Note that if it's been a number of months, and you're concerned about your friend not moving on, you may want to suggest that they see a therapist. Many therapists specialize in supporting clients going through major life transitions, so there’s a very high chance of finding the perfect therapist in your friend’s community.
7. Avoid speaking poorly about their ex
Breakups are a time for processing and for fostering positivity; badmouthing is rarely productive.
Even if you’re furious at your friend’s ex for whatever happened before or during the breakup, or never trusted them in the first place, it's wise to keep your opinions to yourself until things have settled down. Making negative comments will only make your friend feel like they can’t express sentiments about missing or still loving their ex.
8. If they could use professional support, help them find a therapist
While breakups take on average three months to get over, recovery looks different for everyone and can take longer or have other effects on folks depending on their past experiences and the unique situation of their relationship.
If your friend could use professional support after a breakup, consider helping them find a therapist. A therapist provides a neutral and safe space to talk in depth about the breakup without risk of judgment or pressure to ‘fix it.'
Whether your friend is crying on the floor after the breakup or just a bit quieter at breakfast than usual, being intentional about the way you approach their healing process goes a long way. And above all else, remember that your support can be a source of positivity in an otherwise gloomy period of their life.