Everyone experiences moments of low self-esteem — you may say it’s an essential part of the human experience! Rough patches in life happen, and they may have us questioning our self-confidence. Sometimes, they might lead to a little self-pity. But when you have healthy self-esteem, you can pull yourself together, move on, and feel better. However, not everyone has a strong sense of self-worth, making this easier said than done. It's simple to brush off low self-esteem or a lack of confidence as a character trait, or to mistake it for humility. But low self-esteem can have a negative effect, leading to long-term damaging outcomes like relationship problems, mental health conditions, or negative self-talk that results in self-damaging behavior.
There are many reasons why low self-esteem develops, though no matter its origins, people can experience intense signs of low self-esteem and self-critical thoughts. Self-esteem research is abundant, with several scales used to measure it, including the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. Most important is recognizing the signs of low self-esteem and understanding the causes of low self-esteem as an important first step to building a strong sense of self-worth and enjoying the benefits of high self-confidence. Secondly, it’s also essential to acknowledge your self-worth. Here's how to get started with both.
Nine signs of low self-esteem and how low self-esteem can impact you
How often do you stop yourself from speaking your mind due to fear of embarrassment or being wrong? Do you frequently say "sorry" where an "excuse me" would suffice?
For people with low self-esteem, these small blips of anxiety can add up to negative self-perception and compound a lack of self-confidence. Here are nine such signs to be aware of so that you can work on overcoming them with the support of mental health professionals:
- Difficulty Speaking Up and Prioritizing Your Own Needs, Wants, and Feelings
Finding it difficult to speak up or to prioritize your own needs, wants, and feelings can be especially prominent in social situations where others’ needs seem more important. Perhaps you’ve convinced yourself that what you really want doesn’t matter, or you want to avoid conflicts with others. This tendency to suppress your desires may seem like a good way to keep the peace, but it can erode your sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Next time, try speaking up for what you need — it’s a great way to start building your self-esteem.
2. Saying “I’m Sorry” and Feeling Guilty for Everyday Actions
Is the word “sorry” at the top of your vocabulary? Do you feel guilty for taking up space or apologizing for things beyond your control? This could be a sign of a deep-seated lack of self-confidence. While it’s important to acknowledge mistakes, constantly apologizing can reinforce negative beliefs about yourself. Instead, practice using positive self-talk and situationally appropriate phrases that affirm your self-worth.
3. Not "Rocking the Boat"
Not “rocking the boat” often describes the tendency to go along with others to avoid conflict. While being flexible is admirable, always following the crowd can indicate a fear of standing out or asserting your own values. If you rarely carve your own path or speak up about important values, it may be time to step out of your comfort zone. Different people and social situations will respond to you more positively when you confidently express your true self.
4. Not Feeling Deserving of, or Capable of, Having “More”
Whether “more” means positive relationships, a higher-paying job, or simple things like common courtesy, feeling undeserving often stems from low self-esteem. When you believe you don’t deserve better, you’re less likely to seek it out. This self-doubt can lead to unfulfilling relationships and jobs, and overall lower standards in life. Recognizing that you are worthy of “more” is a key step toward building higher self-esteem.
5. Difficulty Making Your Own Choices
Low self-confidence can make decision-making feel overwhelming. If you often defer to others when making decisions or have trouble standing by your choices, it may be a sign of low self-esteem. The best way to build confidence in your decision-making is to set realistic goals and practice trusting your instincts. Over time, you’ll find that your decisions align more closely with your values, and your sense of self-worth will grow.
6. Lack of Boundaries
Having a lack of boundaries may leave you feeling vulnerable, hurt, or even angry, whether that’s the intention of your loved ones or not. Feelings of low self-esteem tend to show up as insecurity that dictates that speaking up about your needs will cause people to look down on you. This can reinforce negative thought patterns, which can lead to unhealthy relationships and a weakened sense of self-worth.
7. Doing Things or Buying Gifts Excessively for Other People
Everyone loves receiving gifts — which is the point. By giving people thoughtful gifts, you’re relying on the joy of presents to bolster your reputation, possibly receive positive feedback that makes you feel good. Even for those who won’t appreciate your gift, buying them gifts in order to feel wanted, needed, or recognized is a sign of low self-esteem.
8. Negative Self-Perception
Negative self-perception means that you don’t think that people would like or accept you for who you are if you were your authentic, genuine self. This is a very common sign of low self-esteem and often stems from a poor self-evaluation or self-criticism that emphasizes a lack of self-acceptance. Low self-esteem in this manifestation can lead to negative thought patterns and negative feelings.
9. Critical, Abusive Internal Dialogue
One of the most damaging signs of low self-esteem is critical, abusive internal dialogue. Whether you scold yourself for making mistakes or call yourself names, this is the type of negative self-talk that will impact your mood and lead to an increased risk for mental health problems. Your inner critic can be relentless, but recognizing this voice and challenging it with positive self-talk is crucial for developing good self-esteem.
10 Ways to Build Confidence to combat your low self-esteem
Working on building, or rebuilding, your self-esteem can be done! By working to build healthy self-esteem, you will have a much greater sense of life satisfaction and self-regard — and can reconnect with your own truth and joy. Here is some of our advice:
- Seek Out Professional Help
Going to therapy for low self-esteem is a great way to identify and understand the origins of your self-doubt. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as it’s known in the UK, is especially effective in helping you challenge and reframe the negative beliefs that contribute to low self-esteem. A licensed clinical psychologist can guide you through this process, helping you to embrace the positive things in your life and break free from negative self-talk.
2. Prioritize Exercise That Feels Good for Your Body
Prioritizing exercise or movement that feels good for your body, even in small amounts, helps you feel connected to your body (think mind-body connection!) and may positively affect mental health and self-esteem. This could be yoga, sports, jogging, or dancing — anything that puts your body in motion! Exercise results in a positive boost of serotonin levels in your brain to help you feel good, calmer, help you make better decisions, feel stronger, and feel more in control of yourself. Better physical health is closely linked to a positive self-image and a strong sense of self-esteem.
3. Put Your Health First with Well-Rounded Meals
Speaking of the mind-body connection, when we are feeling healthy physically, it can have a dramatic impact on our self-esteem. Of course, it is important to be mindful if exercise and eating healthy becomes extreme, compulsive, or interferes with other aspects of life (such as an eating disorder, or body image issues), as this can become detrimental to self-esteem and have other emotional consequences in a person’s life.
4. Make a List of Your Priorities or Goals
Make it a habit to outline your priorities and your goals each day, week, or month. Try to stick to them so you don’t get derailed by negative thoughts, other people’s expectations, needs, demands, and requests. When it’s down on paper, it’s more meaningful than when it’s trapped in your head. Focusing on yourself will influence self-esteem because when you complete goals that mean something personally, you have invested in your own well-being while achieving a higher sense of satisfaction.
5. Pause and Assess Before Automatically Saying “Yes” to a Request
Self-esteem plays a role in how you respond to requests. Taking a moment to assess the situation before you say yes gives you the chance to ask yourself: Is this something you can do and want to do? You can also ask yourself: Am I saying yes because this is something I actually want to do or just so this person will like me/need me/approve of me? After reflecting on your answers, you may feel differently. This pause is a simple way to ensure your decisions align with your values and self-worth.
6. Start Lifting Yourself Up!
Lift yourself up, however that looks! Leave positive feedback and love notes to yourself as affirmations around your home, office, car, or any other space where you spend a lot of time. We’ll get you started: I am beautiful, I am confident, I am successful, I am worthy! (Because you are). Before long, these affirmations will not feel foreign to you — and you will start to feel it and believe it! Practicing these bits of self-love is an important part of self-care that breaks down negative emotions and can have a significant impact on your well-being.
7. Start Meditating, Using Positive Affirmations
Ditch the negative self-talk and start a meditation practice or positive affirmations to raise low self-esteem. There are a lot of free apps that you can choose from, such as ThinkUp and Shine. Meditation helps you clear your mind and focus on the present, being mindful of who you are, how you feel, and your body’s state — which can help you connect with who you authentically are. And don’t forget to reflect on your strengths!
8. Notice, and Try to Limit, When You Are Comparing Yourself to Others
When you are comparing yourself to others, how does that make you feel? Consider why what someone else is doing/saying/wearing matters to you so much. A concrete way to minimize this is to reduce exposure to social media (goodbye, Instagram!). Unfortunately, social media and other forms of media often lead to lower self-esteem, so if you’re trying to boost your self-esteem, it might be helpful to put your phone down.
9. Find Your Favorite Way to Unwind, Relax, and Pamper Yourself
Healthy self-esteem can be achieved by practicing self-compassion. Make a list of pleasurable activities! Your favorite way to unwind, relax, or pamper yourself could be so much more than just a bubble bath! Your list of pleasurable activities could include hiking, playing with puppies, photography — these are all ways to relax your mind and body. Doing what makes you feel refreshed is a wonderful way to invest in yourself, honor your worth, and prioritize self-care.
10 Replace “I’m Sorry” with More Situationally-Appropriate Interjections
While you may think you’re presenting yourself as a caring person, saying “I’m sorry” is often sending a message that you lack self-respect. And that kind of negative self-talk does nothing for improving self-esteem. Try out some other situationally appropriate interjections instead. This could be “excuse me” or “beg your pardon,” where appropriate. Or, depending on the situation, replace sorry with "thank you" — such as “thank you so much for your patience" when you're running late. Over time, you will recognize when it’s proper to apologize for something that is actually your fault, and your strong self-esteem will make it easier to say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it.
Work with a therapist to boost self-esteem
People with high self-esteem generally have self-compassion and a belief in themselves that drowns out the critical inner voice that contributes to unhelpful thinking and low self-worth. By acknowledging your positive qualities and understanding that everyone makes mistakes or gets things wrong occasionally, you can stop second-guessing your own thoughts and accept that you feel anxious, depressed, or fearful without assuming they are fatal character flaws.
Understanding where your low self-esteem stems from can help you move away from some of the internally perpetuating patterns and self-criticism and toward self-acceptance and a level of healthy self-esteem. Low self-esteem can come from many places: your upbringing, harmful past relationships, perceived past mistakes, serious illness, the result of ingrained distorted thinking, and more. These external factors can have a significant influence on your mental health, but they are not the only way to define your worth.
Working with a therapist or talking with another mental health professional is a fantastic way to identify and capitalize on your strengths and pave the way for self-empowerment. It’s not enough to just cope with self-esteem issues and low self-worth. By receiving the right advice and treatment, you can avoid feelings of depression, anxiety disorders, and other mental health problems to achieve high self-esteem! Zencare makes it easy to find a therapist that’s perfect for you. You can even filter our therapist directory by looking for “self-esteem” under Specialties! You are worth finding the right therapist! Check out some of the therapist introductory videos and reach out when you find one that you like.