A Therapist’s Perspective on the “Let Them” Theory by Mel Robbins

Published on February 27, 2025 by Zencare Team. Written by Lily Thrope, LCSW from Thrope Therapy.

Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory has been taking social media by storm and is an aspirational theory for setting boundaries. Robbins got her start as a lawyer for Legal Aid Society, but shifted to be an inspirational leader through her first ted talk “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over.” In this TED talk Robbins shares how she has helped people shift from mental clutter to pursuing what they truly desire. This involves identifying what they want and actually pursuing it. Robbins is well known for her tough love attitude that supports people in their relationships, career, personal development and overall leads to more thriving in their lives.

The “Let Them” theory is generally popular among therapists as a simple phrase to describe the complexity of setting boundaries and prioritizing the self. Considering the complexity of relationships, some therapists warn of the lack of complexity and nuance. Although the “Let Them” theory is a simple concept, it is not an easy thing to adopt. It takes time and practice to master. In this article we will dive into the thoughts from a licensed therapist on the powerful idea of the “Let Them” theory.

What Is the “Let Them” Theory by Mel Robbins?

So what is “The Let Them” Theory? Let’s break it down. This concept was first spoken about in a poem by Cassie Phillips called “Just Let Them.” Mel Robbins has taken the concept first found in this poem and created the “Let Them” theory. The idea is that when people disagree with you, judge you, or hurt your feelings, you can choose to allow them to. By accepting that you are not in control of what others think or do, you can be free of trying to control them and, instead, “Let Them.” This theory involves a mindset shift that emphasizes the importance of detachment in order to focus on personal peace. The “Let Them” theory is the ultimate boundary setting guide for applying non-attachment to others’ thoughts and actions. Here are the three core concepts of Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory:

  1. Detachment — Detach from emotional and mental struggle you may experience while trying to control others’ thoughts and behaviors. Choose internal peace — Let Them.
  2. Let people fail — Give them room to grow and room to take responsibility in their own life. Sometimes people need to experience rock bottom before change. Hard to let them, but this is part of the theory, people need to see they can rescue themselves — Let Them.
  3. Let them be themselves — Let them be who they are. The freedom for people to be themself allows you to see who they really are and connect with them as themselves — Let Them.

Why the “Let Them” Theory Resonated in Mental Health Conversations

Robbins’ theory is revolutionary because it’s a simple way to say, “focus on yourself and you will feel more peace.This concept started gaining popularity when Mel Robbins shared this theory on social media, and the video blew up with comments, shares and likes. Hearing that we can use the “Let Them” theory anytime we need to is the ultimate liberation. I have clients who spend countless hours analyzing others’ behavior and I have even been guilty of this myself. By learning and practicing the “Let Them” theory, individuals can save their time and energy, and focus on themselves.

Many people resonate with Robbins’ messages from the “Let Them” theory. The “Let Them” theory provides a way to find relief from this exhausting experience of anxiety caused by the desire for control. Control is alluring because people might think that there will be a sense of relief in having control over others. It can act as a distraction away from emotional discomfort, which can feel like a sense of relief.

The best way to have relief from our emotions is to actually feel them, acknowledge them and let them go. When you notice that you’re focusing on controlling other people, try to reverse that control and bring the energy back to yourself. This will lead to a stronger sense of emotional autonomy. “Let Them” is a form of emotional autonomy. Practicing this theory allows you to focus on you and take care of your own emotional needs and desires.“Let Them” posits that if we actually let go and “Let Them” and stop trying to control, we can find more internal peace and ease.

What Therapists Say About the “Let Them” Theory

As a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Thrope Therapy LCSW PLLC a group private practice in NYC, I have a deep appreciation for the “Let Them” theory and think it has roots in a few psychotherapy modalities.

The “Let Them” theory is a form of “radical acceptance,” which is a skill used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). “Radical acceptance” means fully and completely accepting reality as it is, without fighting, denying, or judging it, even when reality is painful or difficult. DBT skills like mindfulness, emotion regulation and radical acceptance are a great foundation for being able to practice the “Let Them” theory. The theory relies on an individual’s ability to use those skills to notice when they are worrying about what others think or do. Mindfulness is essential when working on any personal growth.

I believe that the “Let Them” theory could be expanded to help people manage their own anxious thoughts about themselves. For example, if we really adopt the “Let Them” theory, we won’t be spending as much time thinking about and trying to control others. Immediately I question, “What will people spend time thinking about instead?” We’d need to find new things to take up our brain space. If this time and energy shifts to overanalyzing the self, this can be really destructive. If this is the case, I believe “Let Them” could be applied to our own negative thoughts about ourselves.

As a therapist I work with many clients who are pursuing recovery from eating disorders. When an individual is recovering from an eating disorder there is a lot of fear around what the mind will do when it is not focusing on controlling food.I think the “Let Them” theory is similar to how we help people fight their inner eating disorder voice that some people refer to as “Ed.”  If “Ed” is carrying on about something that you are not doing well, let it. What’s important to remember is that your thoughts are not facts, and you do not HAVE to change your behavior just because a thought came into your head.

Here are three things therapists, like myself, like about the “Let Them” theory:

  1. Encourages Boundaries: It helps people set emotional boundaries. You can’t control others, but you can control your reaction. "Let Them" encourages people to stop trying to manage how others feel or act, which is a key part of healthy relationships.
  2. Reduces Anxiety and Overthinking: Many people obsess over what others think of them or feel responsible for other people’s happiness. This theory reminds them to let go of that need for control, reducing stress and anxiety.
  3. Supports Self-Acceptance: It helps people focus on their own values and self-worth rather than seeking external validation. Therapists often work on building self-compassion, and this theory aligns with that goal.

Here are three things that therapists, like myself, don’t like about the “Let Them” theory

  1. Oversimplification of Complex Issues: Real-life relationships are complicated. Sometimes, you can’t just “let them” if it’s someone close to you, like a family member or partner. Therapy often involves working through these conflicts and getting curious about your underlying emotional responses, not just accepting them and walking away.
  2. Risk of Avoidance: For some, “Let Them” might become an excuse to avoid difficult conversations or healthy conflict. While it’s good to let go of what you can’t control, it’s also important to address issues when necessary. It’s important to be able to communicate your emotions and needs effectively and if you are avoiding sharing vulnerably your relationships can suffer.
  3. Not Always Helpful in Trauma or Abuse Situations: In cases of emotional abuse or toxic relationships, simply saying "Let Them” isn’t enough. Therapy often helps clients recognize when to set firm boundaries, leave harmful situations, and heal from hurt. There are many situations where the “Let Them” theory is not appropriate.

Most therapists would say “Let Them” is a helpful mindset when it comes to accepting what you cannot control, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. It's a great tool for everyday frustrations, boundary-setting, and personal growth, but sometimes relationships and mental health struggles need deeper work than just "letting go."

Detachment ≠ Indifference

A common misconception about the “Let Them” theory is that letting others act as they will without intervention or worrying means you are ignoring them or do not care about them. Detachment from caring about what others think does not equal indifference. When practicing the “Let Them” mindset in close relationships, releasing your need to control means you do care about them and you want them to be their most authentic selves. Sometimes letting people fail, or experience things on their own is the best way to help them see that they are capable. Here are a few principles that explain how this approach is more than indifference.

Think of the “Let Them” theory as the idea that you are standing by watching someone navigate their own boat. While you hope that they sail smoothly, you do not jump in and steer for them. You can care deeply about someone and their outcomes without trying to control them.

So why do so many people crave control?

As humans we have a strong fear of uncertainty. For people with high functioning anxiety, this fear is very intense and can lead to a desire for control. Control is often an avoidance technique, and so we want to avoid the feeling of uncertainty or any other big emotions that feel scary. Control can feel like a sense of calm, but maintaining control can feel chaotic. Unfortunately there is no real emotional relief in being in control because it’s not possible for us to be in control of other’s behaviors, emotions or thoughts. This is where acceptance comes in.

Letting go of control and practicing acceptance can strengthen relationships. When you let go of controlling others, you get to see the true versions of those people. In relationships when we fall in love with someone’s potential or how we think they are, we are missing the full and true authentic version of that person. Often, criticizing and controlling is a distraction from true connection. This can get in the way of some really beautiful relationships.

Applying the “Let Them” Theory in Daily Life

Mel Robbins Let Them theory has three steps that you need to master in order to practice it.

  1. Recognize when you’re trying to control someone else’s behavior, thoughts, or actions.
  2. Practice self-awareness to focus on your emotional needs, turn your energy inwards
  3. Pause before reacting — give others the space to make their own choices.

Let’s look at a few examples that Mel Robbins gives of the the “Let Them” theory at work:

There are three important limitations to the “Let Them” theory that Mel Robbins explains.

1. If they are doing something dangerous towards themselves or others

Example: Someone has a few drinks and says they are going to drive home. This is never safe and never ok. Do not practice “Let Them” in this scenario or other scenarios like this

2. You need to advocate for your rights

Example: When seeking medical or mental health care and you feel mistreated by a provider, this is not a situation to “Let Them”. Speak up and advocate for your needs.

3. They are crossing your boundaries consistently

Example: You have expressed a boundary with a friend and they continue to cross the boundary. Do not “Let Them” continue to cross the boundary.

How the “Let Them” Theory Helps Cultivate Personal Growth

The “Let Them” theory improves emotional resilience and reduces interpersonal conflict. When you are able to spend less time worrying about other people or trying to control them your relationships can go deeper. You can access more vulnerability with others beyond judgment and control. Emotional resilience increases as you learn to take care of your emotional needs by walking away from situations that are out of your control. The “Let Them” theory allows individuals to shift their focus inward to things that matter to the individual like their own goals and happiness.

With this extra time and energy on yourself, you can focus on your desires, goals and needs with more effort and energy. Robbins advocates for a redirection of the energy you were spending worrying about others towards your own self-care and growth. Robbins encourages people to figure out what they truly desire and put their energy into that. Whether it’s a new hobby, career or relationship, your own goals deserve your full energy.

Here are three of my favorite quotes from Mel Robbins as a therapist who loves the “Let Them” theory:

  1. "Stop trying to control the people around you. When you 'let them' be who they are, you gain control over your own emotional peace.
  2. "When you stop seeking validation, approval, or permission from others, you take back control of your life."
  3. "You can tap into peace and true control if you let them be themselves."

Robbin’s concepts help people focus more on taking action, trusting the self, and letting go of what you can’t control. As a therapist I can appreciate that the “Let Them” theory is a powerful approach to setting boundaries and creating a healthier more balanced life. I also worry about the oversimplification of this approach and hope that there can still be space for emotional discourse in your relationships. Emotional discourse in relationships can also lead to growth. Overall I think your energy is precious and worth protecting. By using Mel Robbin’s “Let Them” theory you can learn to release control and find emotional freedom!

Are you ready to “Let Them”?

Mel Robbins' "Let Them" theory offers a powerful yet simple way to shift focus from controlling others to fostering emotional autonomy and inner peace. The idea resonates with many because it provides relief from the exhausting cycle of overthinking, overfunctioning, and seeking validation. By embracing this mindset, individuals can set healthy emotional boundaries, reduce stress, and cultivate stronger relationships based on acceptance rather than control. However, while the theory aligns with psychological concepts like radical acceptance and mindfulness, it isn’t a universal solution for every situation.

Ultimately, the "Let Them" theory is a valuable tool for personal growth when used in the right contexts. However, true emotional freedom doesn’t come from avoidance, it comes from balance. Letting go should not mean disengaging from relationships or ignoring important issues but rather knowing when to step back and when to lean in. As with any self-help philosophy, the key is discernment, understanding when to apply "Let Them" for peace and when to take action for meaningful change.

FAQs About the “Let Them” Theory by Mel Robbins

What is the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins?

Mel Robbins “Let Them” theory is the idea that when people disagree with you, judge you or hurt your feelings you can choose to Let Them. By accepting that you are not in control of what others think or do, you can be emotionally free of trying to control them and instead “Let Them.”

How do therapists feel about the “Let Them” theory?

Therapists generally like Mel Robbins “Let Them” theory! They connect with it through roots in other behavioral modalities like DBT and mindfulness. Therapists may caution users around the lack of efficacy in complicated situations or relationships like those that include abuse. Therapists also caution against using it as an avoidance strategy for situations that do need to be discussed and emotionally resolved interpersonally.

Can letting go really improve relationships?

Yes! By releasing the need to control others we can find deeper and stronger connections with them. Leaving space for each person to fully be themselves can lead to stronger and more secure relationships.