Published on October 15, 2024 by Zencare Team, Q&A by Paula Glashausser, LCSW.
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How to put the spark back in our marriage after being married for 20 years?
This is a really great question! Needing to reignite the spark can show up in all types of relationships, and in all stages. It’s important to remember what you love most about each other and to try and reconnect. The foundation of any relationship is friendship, and friendships flourish when people have fun together. The responsibilities of life can often weigh us down, life becomes mundane, and the flame can disappear. Novelty is key. Do something fun with your partner or spouse. Find ways to connect with each other. Find ways to rebuild that friendship and enjoy each other’s company. You could try to cook a new recipe together, view the newest exhibit at the local museum, or take a pottery class. Whatever it is that you two enjoy, experience something new and fun together on a regular basis — aim for once a week if you can, but definitely try for once a month!
My gf and I broke up for the first time due to my own issues with not being understanding and believing things were going on because of past trauma however after working on this we reconciled and then she left again however she says because I am emotional.
It sounds like there may have been lots of layers to your relationship — I’m sorry to hear that you were labeled as “emotional.” Expressing emotion, as well as our needs, is not a bad thing — it is totally normal, and if done in a healthy way, can be a positive factor in romantic relationships. Sometimes, when one works on past trauma, communication patterns and behavior may change. One partner’s healthy behaviors and boundaries may feel uncomfortable for someone who is still in a difficult place. I don’t have a ton of context as far as what happened between you and your ex, but it sounds as though you and your ex-partner may no longer be in the same place. I encourage you to continue working through your trauma, adopting healthy coping skills, and to consider what type of support and behavior you need from a partner in the future.
What to do if your ex/first love lied to you for 4.5 years about being in a relationship with their college roommate yet have been engaging in similar behaviors that consist of a situationship/complicated relationship with you during this whole time
I’m so sorry that happened — that must have been really difficult. Two foundational pillars of a healthy relationship or partnership are safety and trust. Given the way you were treated by your ex, it doesn’t sound like you were provided either of those things. You are worthy of a full, beautiful, loving relationship where you are valued and treated with respect. It is up to each of us, as individuals, to say “no” when we are treated poorly and given less than what we deserve in a relationship. Boundaries are important. During this time, I encourage you to lean on your loved ones and stay connected to the people who care about you. Employ positive coping skills to heal from this and do some soul-searching, and if you’re up for it, seek support from a mental health professional. You are resilient and brave. With time, you will overcome this — give yourself time to heal.
My wife and I seem to argue and fight a lot. We never know how to repair the ruptures. She never tries to reconcile, and I have stopped as well. We have a small boy. For his sake, I want to figure out how both of us can get on a better path.
I’m so sorry to hear that the arguments have made things so difficult for you and your family at home. During conflict, it can be really helpful to stop, listen, and try to understand your partner’s perspective. It can also be helpful to ask questions calmly and respectfully in order to better understand your partner’s point of view. At the end of the day, we all just want to be heard and seen, especially by our partners. Everyday life can be tough, especially with a little one to care for, and being able to lean on one another for support is important. I encourage you, as you may need to take lead on making a change, to not engage in the argument, but rather, just listen and ask your partner questions to understand where they’re coming from. Using “I” messages can also be very powerful during conflict as we are taking responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings. Communication is key during conflict, as well as respect, kindness, and listening. If you and your partner continue to find yourselves arguing and potentially in gridlock, I encourage you to consider seeking couples therapy. A therapist can help identify and address issues and concerns, as well as help with communication, etc.
How do you know when to end an unhappy marriage. Your spouse is not capable of meeting your emotional needs. They are really trying but it's not enough and you know you need more. You love them but love just isn't enough.
This is a very difficult situation to be in. Love is not always enough, but it’s also very hard to let go. Taking time to reflect on how much longer you’re willing to go without your needs being met, as well as how much you’re willing to try before calling it quits is crucial. This is only a question that you can answer. You are the only person who truly understands the pain experienced due to not having your needs met, as well as how this has negatively impacted your well-being. If you are willing to stick it out for a while longer, communication is key. Clearly tell your partner what you need and provide them examples of how they can meet those needs. Focus on the positive more than the negative – if your partner is able to provide you with what you need, even if just a little, let them know. Positive reinforcement goes a long way. Also, please consider where your partner may be too – they may be feeling hopeless and like a failure knowing that they can’t meet your needs – which can also be really painful. Sometimes it comes down to hashing things out and really understanding where the other person is. I don’t know what you have both tried, but listening and leading with curiosity and kindness can go a long way. Things aren’t always what they seem to be.
Is there such thing as being ready for a healthy long-term relationship? If so, how do I know I'm ready?
This is a great question! I think all human beings are a work in progress all the time, and I don’t think we’re ever fully “ready” for things. Life just happens and we find ways to adapt – same as in relationships. What matters most is that you’re in a healthy place in your own, individual life. Do you feel secure in who you are? Are you in a place where you’re happy being on your own, but wouldn’t mind sharing a life and experiences with someone else? That could mean you’re ready – but so can lots of other things. I encourage you to take time to reflect on what being “ready” means to you. We are all different – which is totally normal – and all things carry a different definition for each person. Before we can consider being in a healthy partnership and caring for someone else, we need to be able to fully care for ourselves.
How do I find myself a male partner? Are there signs that a man is ideal for me?
Meeting people can definitely be tricky these days. Dating apps are an option, but sometimes the old-fashion way of meeting someone at an event or through a friend can be lucrative. How you feel when you are with someone and if you find that you are your best self when you’re around them should be kept in mind. Overall, it’s vital to reflect on what it is you need in a relationship and partner. Keeping an eye on red flags and green flags can also support you in figuring out if someone may be a good match for you. Green flags are good or favorable behaviors, such as being respectful and communicative, while red flags are concerning behaviors such as not taking your needs into account, being controlling, or being verbally abusive. Each person has different needs — take the time to reflect on what’s important to you.
Any tips for harmoniously living with a partner with ADHD?
This can be tricky as there are many symptoms and behaviors associated with ADHD. I would encourage you and your partner to openly and respectfully discuss concerns, share what you need, and work together to create solutions. Please remember that even though your partner may be the one with the diagnosis, you can both make changes that can support and help each of you. If you find that you need additional support, a therapist and/or psychiatrist can provide you and your partner with individualized tips as well.
My partner is experiencing a difficult period in his personal life, and we often face issues in our relationship. He seems less open to communication than he used to be, and whenever I raise a concern, he insists that nothing is wrong. This has been happening for a while.
I’m sorry this is happening – it sounds like you’re both going through quite a lot. It’s important to try and continue communicating with your partner and being there for one another. It’s possible that your partner is too overwhelmed to deal with any additional concerns, and hence, says nothing is wrong. Check in with your partner to see how they’re doing and validate them. Remind your partner that you love them and are here for them. Remind them that they don’t have to fight battles on their own and that you two can take things on together. As for concerns, as you need to be heard as well, it may help to reframe the concern and perhaps bring it up as a question, i.e., “Hey, do you think the dogs walk schedule still works?” vs. “Hey I wanted to talk to you about the dogs walking schedule – I don’t think it’s working anymore.” Sometimes the way we word things can help make them more digestible and easier to process. If you find that you partner continues to struggle in their personal life, it may be worth talking to them about seeking professional help – it’s okay to ask for help, even for the things that may not seem “big” enough.