Published on May 27, 2025 by Zencare Team. Written by Repose — A Group Practice.
It’s a common occurrence at our practice, as tears welled up in her eyes, a new mom looks to their therapist and asks, “Does it make me a bad mother if I miss who I was before I became a mom?”
I slowly nodded with deep understanding. This feeling is incredibly common but still, it’s something so many mothers feel ashamed to say out loud.
Becoming a parent is one of the most transformative experiences that a person can go through. It’s beautiful and profound. And also? It can feel like your entire identity has been spilled out and rearranged.
This is for you if you're feeling like you're losing yourself in motherhood, or if you're pregnant and scared of your life changing. You’re not alone. This phase isn’t forever. And yes — you will rediscover yourself after motherhood.
The Silent Grief of Missing Your Old Life
The grief that can come with the transition to motherhood is seldom recognized. Of course we’re grateful for our children; we love them deeply. Even with that love, it’s normal to experience a sense of loss for the person you used to be and the life you used to have.
Perhaps you were spontaneous before: last-minute dinners with friends, solo shopping runs that didn’t involve diaper changes and a tantrum in aisle seven. Maybe you had a career that you poured yourself into, or a vibrant social life that didn’t revolve around nap schedules and potty training.
And now? You’re expected to feel only joy and gratitude. To savor every moment and not complain. But the truth is: missing these parts of your old life after a baby doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human.
Pregnant and Scared of Life Changing?
If you’re pregnant and scared of how your life will change, that fear is valid. It’s not a sign that you won’t be a good parent, it’s a sign you’re thoughtful and understanding about the major transformation that is coming up. You’re aware that motherhood will shift your identity. And yes, it will change many things, it might even change you at your core.
But you do not have to disappear. You don’t have to lose your dreams. You don’t have to become unrecognizable to yourself. What you will have the opportunity to do, is redefine who you are, discover your identity as a mother, with more intention than ever before.
The Postpartum Identity Crisis
The term postpartum identity crisis might sound dramatic, but for many, it’s an accurate description. Mothers experience significant shifts in identity after birth. These changes can affect how they see themselves, their relationships, and their place in the world.
In our clinical work, we often hear comments like:
- “I used to be confident at work. Now I second-guess everything — things I’ve never doubted before.”
- “My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore.”
- “I love my child, but I feel like they’ve taken over.”
If this sounds familiar… what you’re experiencing is part of a profound transformation — a matrescence (like adolescence, but for motherhood). And like any major life change, it comes with adjustments and growing pains.
Losing Yourself in Motherhood: How It Happens
Losing yourself in motherhood often happens slowly and subtly. One day you realize your hobbies are a distant memory, your friendships have faded to occasional texts and instagram memes, and the playlist in your car is all for your kids.
Here’s why it happens:
- Our culture normalizes self-sacrifice. Mothers are often praised for, and even expected to, put their needs last.
- The mental work is real. You’re thinking about snacks, sunscreen, immunization schedules, school deadlines — all the time.
- Support is often lacking. Especially in places with minimal parental leave, little access to affordable childcare, and pressure to “bounce back.”
In the absence of real support, we end up trying to be everything to everyone, and forget to be someone to ourselves.
Finding Yourself After Motherhood
You don’t need to go “back” to who you were before, it probably isn’t possible. That version of you existed for a reason, in a certain season. And she was wonderful.
But the version of you now? She deserves just as much care and attention.
Here are some gentle ways to begin finding yourself after motherhood:
1. Identify What You Miss
Is it time alone? Creative expression? Feeling competent in something other than diapering?
Naming what’s missing helps you know what to reclaim. You don’t need to overhaul your life, just start by saying it out loud.
2. Rebuild Rituals
Maybe it’s carving out a morning cup of coffee that’s actually hot. Maybe it’s a 10-minute walk after bedtime. Small rituals are a bridge back to yourself.
3. Connect with Others
Find community with other parents who are honest, not just the highlight reel. Therapy, support groups, even group chats with people who get it can be lifelines.
4. Stop Waiting for It to Get Easier
Yes, some things get easier with time. But instead of waiting for the perfect time, start carving out moments of joy and identity now. You’re allowed to matter while your children do, too.
5. Take Your Space
If you have a partner on this parenthood journey, one of the most powerful, identity-affirming steps you can take is to allow yourself to lean on your partner. That means having the, sometimes tricky, but necessary conversations about what equitable support actually looks like. You deserve time to rest, to be alone, to not be “on” — you are still a whole person outside of motherhood and your needs are valid.
This isn’t about asking for help as a favor; it’s about advocating for the kind of shared care that gives you both the chance to be whole humans and whole parents. By reclaiming that time and space, even in small doses, you’re reminding yourself — and your family — that your well-being matters, too.
6. Get Support
Therapists, doulas, community — whatever support looks like for you, seek it out. You were never meant to do this alone.
Final Thoughts
There’s no shame in missing your old life after having a baby. You can grieve what’s changed while also loving what you have. You can feel joy and frustration, awe and overwhelm — sometimes all in the same hour. The work of therapy can often include learning to hold two parallel feelings or ideas together at the same time. Both can be true.
So if you’re pregnant and scared of life changing, or deep in the fog of a postpartum identity crisis, take heart: losing yourself in motherhood isn’t the end of your story. It's the beginning of a new one, where you get to choose how to reassemble the pieces, and where your identity gets to expand, not shrink.
You don’t have to go it alone. Whether through therapy, community, or tiny daily rituals, you can start finding yourself after motherhood — one moment, one breath, one day at a time.