How to Know When to Break Up With Someone

Published June 18, 2024 by Zencare Team

When to break up with someone isn’t as black-and-white as it may initially seem. People’s thresholds for what constitutes the need to end a relationship vary based on their attachment styles, past experiences, personalities, life situations, and more. This means that the best time to break up with your partner is a very subjective call.

So, what are some good reasons or signs that it’s time to break up with someone and how can you break up in a healthy way that minimizes the amount of harm done to both you and your partner?

Reasons to break up with your partner

Everyone has different reasons for getting into a relationship, and similarly everyone also has different reasons for breaking up with their partners.

Here are some common reasons why people decide to break up with their partner:

• Communication issues. Perhaps one of the most common reasons why partners break up is communication issues. This includes the communication or lack thereof that happens during conflict. Communication issues can also come into play when it comes to affection, like if one partner needs to hear words of affirmation but the other partner doesn’t naturally engage in this type of talk.
• Chronic unhappiness. Sometimes, this unhappiness doesn’t seem tied to the relationship on initial consideration, though upon reflection, a person might realize that the relationship isn’t fulfilling for them any longer. A relationship might also take away time that could be spent on hobbies or socializing with friends, leading to diminished happiness levels.
• Lack or loss of trust. One of the more extreme examples of losing trust within a relationship is when someone is unfaithful, either emotionally or physically. Trust can also be lost when someone in the relationship continues to say that they’ll do something, but they don’t do it. Some people find it difficult to trust others naturally, whether that’s because of their personality or the way they were raised.
• Genuine incompatibility. In a relationship, most people look for shared values or life plans, especially if they’re planning a future with their partner. When these don’t quite align, it can lead to issues. For example, if one partner wants to have kids and the other person doesn’t, there’s no real compromise. Sometimes, when values aren’t shared, it can be challenging to continue with the relationship, even when there are still strong feelings of love.
• Stunted or slowed personal growth. Being in a relationship takes effort, and when someone is trying to improve their mental health or their life situation, it can be a struggle to find the time and energy for their partner. If personal growth – or healing – takes a backseat to the relationship, some people decide that they need to step away to truly focus on themselves.
• Dynamic conflicts and unhealthy conflict resolution. Fighting is a natural part of being in a relationship and it gives partners a chance to talk vulnerably about thoughts and feelings. When conflicts become frequent and increase in volatility, it can be a sign that the relationship is nearing its end.
• Abuse. Last on this list is the most significant reason to break up with a partner, and that’s when there’s physical or emotional harm occurring. Even if there’s still love and connection in the relationship, no one deserves to experience abuse from their partner.

Strategies for evaluating your relationship

When you aren’t sure whether you should break up with your partner, there are a few strategies to evaluate your relationship and determine what your next step might be. That said, it can be helpful to talk openly with your partner about these feelings or ideas, even if you’re still trying to sort them out, that way you can work together to find a way forward – even if that means breaking up.

• Gut feeling. When trying to figure out whether to break up with their partner, many people trust their gut feeling. If they have a nagging feeling in the back of their minds that something isn’t right, it very well might not be – and that nagging feeling might be difficult to shake.
• Take a break. Some couples decide to go on a defined break from the relationship to see what it’s like to be apart and to have some solo time to reflect on what’s working in the relationship – and what’s not working. Unlike Ross and Rachel, you should agree on rules for this break. What's the set amount of time apart? When will you come back and talk? Will you still communicate with each other? Can you see other people?
• Speak with a therapist. Another useful way to determine whether it’s time to break up with your partner is to speak with a mental health professional about what’s going on and how you’re feeling. There are a lot of high-quality therapists that have experience supporting clients through relationship challenges – including break-ups.
• Talk to a friend. If it isn’t the right time for you to work with a therapist, a trusted friend might be able to support you through the break-up.

Going through with the break-up

If you decide that you want to go through with the break-up, one of your top priorities might be to do so in a way that’s kind and that avoids as much harm as possible. There are a few ways to do so, including:

• Determining your exit strategy. When faced with a breakup, people react in different ways. To avoid escalation and potential harm, you might consider having the conversation in a public or semi-public space. If you live with your partner, having a plan for where you’ll spend the next few nights can make the break-up a smoother transition, not to mention give you and your partner space to grieve the relationship. If you share any financial, phone or streaming accounts, you might want to think about how to split those up.
• Plan out what you’re going to say. When breaking up with a partner, having clear points to make about how you’re feeling and why you’re breaking up with them can lead to more clear communication and less guesswork. If you aren’t exactly sure whether you want to break up, you can be open with your partner that you haven’t completely made up your mind yet and you want to explore your options with them.
• Set clear boundaries. After you’ve broken up, it’s important to set clear boundaries about what happens next. You might say that you don’t want to communicate or that you don’t want them to follow you on social media anymore. Other useful boundaries to set when it comes to break-ups include which friends you’ll stay in touch with and the logistics of returning anything left at their place.

Supporting yourself or a loved one post break-up

Often, complicated feelings arise in the aftermath of a break-up. You might feel sad about the loss of a relationship but excited for your newfound independence. You might feel angry about what was said during the break-up but also like you miss your partner or the emotional support they gave you.

It’s important to take care of yourself during this period, and self-care can take many different forms. There’s nothing wrong with taking a mental health day away from school or work if having quiet, calm time to yourself will be helpful. It could take a while to get over your ex, so planning ahead can give you the love you need to move on.

If you find that you’re still struggling with the aftermath of the break-up months after it happens, it could be a good idea to speak with a therapist. Therapists can be helpful when it comes to processing complex emotions and reflecting on what happened that led you to the break-up. They can also help you think about what’s next for you and come up with a plan to overcome any lingering negative emotions that arise. You can filter the Zencare therapist directory by Specialty, including relationship issues, then watch each therapist’s introductory video to see if they would be a great fit for you.

Even when you’re the person instigating the break-up, break-ups are hard. Having tough conversations requires true vulnerability, so it’s important to remember that with vulnerability comes resilience and that by ending a relationship that isn’t doing it for you any longer, you’re choosing to take care of yourself over the needs of other people – a huge mark of self-care.

Abuse resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

National Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474