Published on November 5, 2024 by Zencare Team, Q&A by Dr. Denise Sandole, PsyD.
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I have this friend who complains constantly — like about the same stuff over and over (her job, her partner, everything). No matter what advice I give, she never listens. I'm just exhausted at this point. How do I stop this without being rude or unsupportive?
Dear Exhausted – I hear you on feeling the friend-won’t-listen fatigue. You are not alone in feeling confused by a friend who seemingly gets stuck on the same broken record track, meaning they continue to stay on a painful path or make the same choices despite your good efforts to help them. Your exhaustion is your body’s way of signaling to you that your friend’s problems are starting to feel like your own or that they’re simply spilling over onto your friendship too much, which we don’t want to ignore because it could eventually end the friendship. To feel less exhausted, we sometimes need to shift gears to being less “solution-focused” in our responses to being more “validating.”. For example, when friend brings up job and/or partner stressor next, try saying something like, “I hear you,” or “That sounds hard,” instead of “You shoulda/coulda/woulda (fill in advice).” This subtle but very powerful adjustment can help shift you and friend out of one-sided helper zone and back to mutually good friends together.
My friend loves to gossip about everyone we know, but she swears she doesn’t talk about me behind my back. I’m not sure I believe her, and honestly it’s bringing me down. Should I say something or just distance myself?
Dear Doubtful — you have every right to wonder if you similarly become fodder for gossip after hearing your friend talk about everyone else. If you value keeping the friendship i.e., if friend otherwise shares your friendship values and you’re still getting your friend needs met by them, I recommend saying something instead of distancing yourself. A great communication device to try is from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication method (book can be found at Walmart for $10 if interested here), which helps us have hard talks and helps avoid them blowing up or escalating. You would simply tell your friend, “I’ve been feeling worried because I need a little less gossip time in our friendship. Would we be able to have one gossip day each week together and the rest gossip free in our chats?” Hopefully the less you witness your friend gossiping, the more your trust will be restored in them. Conversely, if you find your friend’s gossiping is actually a red flag that the two of you do NOT have shared friendship values, this might also be a great time to distance yourself or as I like to call it, relocate your friend to a more outer i.e., less close friendship circle where you’re talking less often and less intimately.
I have a friend who really likes me and seems to value our friendship a lot, but tbh I don’t find her that interesting. She’s super nice and sincere, but I just don’t get excited to hang out with her. How do I handle this without hurting her feelings?
Dear Reluctant — this can be a tough conundrum because you don’t want to offend a seemingly nice person, as let’s be honest, sometimes they can be hard to come by! At the same time, we do not always have to like someone who likes us back. Before you end the friendship, a little self-reflection e.g., a pros/cons list can be very helpful. If you find the pros of having this nice person in your life outweigh your ambivalence and any other possible negative aspects, perhaps you try expanding your self-reflection to also include “what do I gain from a friend that I get excited to hang out with?” vs. “what do I gain from giving up a nice friend I’m not excited to hang out with?” These exercises can sometimes help reveal a little deeper insight into our relationship patterns and ultimately what needs we’re looking to have met by the people we’re more drawn to. It can also help expand our understanding if our prototype usually does meet our friendship needs or sabotages what we deserve. If you find the latter, try a little opposite action from psychologist Marsha Linehan i.e., doing opposite what your feelings are telling you to do to keep a good person in your life and experience the mutually-beneficial exchange of two people having empathy for each other.
So I’m the kind of person who really values casual check-ins and little messages, just knowing someone’s there. My friend says that stuff doesn’t matter to him, but he’ll always be my friend and help me if I need it. Still, I feel lonely when he’s not present, like we’re not even that close. I’ve told him and now he checks in sometimes, but it’s still not enough for me. How do I deal with this without feeling so disconnected?
Dear Disconnected — first I want you to give yourself a nice hug for bravely sharing your desires to feel close to someone! We often hide our togetherness needs for shame we might appear strange or weak, which wanting to feel connected with someone is neither of those things. We are social beings, and it’s healthy and human to want to be with others. There is balance to our togetherness needs, however, which are called our individual needs, and they equally deserve to be met. It sounds like your togetherness needs might be louder more than your individual needs, while your friend might feel differently. I encourage you to see if you can view your alone time without friend as something a little more positive or even neutral i.e., time for yourself to get your chores done, catch up on good shows or reading, or engage in self-care activities like exercise or pampering/grooming, while reminding yourself that your friendship is constant and stable even when friend isn’t physically present. If you find your loneliness and disconnected feelings still persist, it might be helpful to explore these experiences with the support of a therapist to gift yourself some greater understanding around possible root causes related to dependency in relationships.
I’m in a toxic living situation with my roommate and it’s rough. One minute he’s like don't touch my food and the next, he’s mad I didn’t cook for him. I’m saving up to move out but how do I get through this without losing my mind in the meantime?
Dear Walking on Eggshells – I hope by the time you read this you have been able to save enough money to remove yourself from this very challenging living situation. I want to validate how exhausting sharing any space, let alone a living room and kitchen with someone whose moods are constantly fluctuating and who operates within the confusing “hot and cold treatment.” You deserve better! If you’re still coping with a dysregulated roommate, first know that roommate’s mood swings most likely have very little to do with you so that you don’t internalize their reactions as your doing. Second, the only way to decrease your suffering is to disengage with roommate as much as possible. This can be tricky when sharing living space but if you know your roommate always eats at 7pm, for example, I would eat before or after. I would also recommend avoiding exchanging words because it usually is a dead end battle. Nothing you say will alter or change your roommate’s moodiness so no need to waste your resources trying to improve the living situation; as you alluded to, any improvement would be momentary and short-lived until the next mood swing. Hang in there and hope you can move out soon!
I always feel like I’m giving to my friends but never really getting anything back. It feels like a one-way street. how do I start building more meaningful friendships that don’t feel so one-sided?
Dear One-Sided — I really appreciate this question because I think a lot of people find themselves in these type of imbalanced relationships or using psychological terms, over-functioning in their relationships. Over-functioning can make us feel exhausted, bitter, resentful, and under-appreciated. It’s important to understand that when we over-function in a relationship, it automatically makes the other person under-function. So we want to take steps to bring better balance to our relationships. The best way to do that is getting in touch with these negative feelings as they occur. They are your body’s signals to you that you might be overfunctioning. Once you notice them, you can then use a behavioral tool to shift overfunctioning behavior; it’s from psychologist Marsha Linehan called “opposite action” i.e., doing opposite what your feelings are telling you to do. So if you’re about to go out of your way to help a friend who doesn’t give back, do opposite that and see if this help friend meet you more in the middle like you deserve.
I have a lot of friends who are technically present — we talk every few months but they can take weeks to reply. Most of them have partners or kids and I’m single, so I feel lonely. I’ve tried hobbies and other stuff but I really crave 1:1 time with close friends more often than they do. I’m sad and idk if it’s just me or them. How do I deal with this?
Dear Lonely — there is nothing wrong with wanting quality time more often with your close friends. That is quite healthy and human. it sounds like however that many of your close friends have entered another life phase that offers less of their free time, which can leave you feeling sad and alone with too much idle time on your hands. I like hearing that you have tried hobbies, and I’m wondering if these have been more solo or social activities. If you haven’t tried the latter yet, I would suggest joining a local meet-up, sport or game league, or book club where you can expand your social circle to similarly single folk who are looking to connect with friends more often as a major part of enjoying their daily lives.
I have close friends of the opposite sex and none of us are in relationships rn, but I’m already feeling anxious about the future. Like, when we have bfs/gfs, I know things will change. I’m not expecting future partners to be cool with us hanging out 1:1 but I’m sad about it already. How do I deal with this preemptive anxiety about losing that closeness?
Dear Anxious – I totally understand worrying about if/when the band breaks up! Things do usually change when friends start partnering up but that doesn’t mean they will change for the worse. Ideally your and your friends’ future partners will be secure enough to share. Even better? You could all hang out together as an integrated group, and develop new friendships with your friends’ significant others. If this still feels like a worrisome prospect, it could be helpful to gift yourself some therapy to explore any underlying source of possible fears around loss.
My friend and I are in completely different places in life now. I’m more focused on my career and growth, and they still want to party every weekend. I feel like we’re growing apart. Should I try to hold on or just let it fade naturally?
Dear Focused — this is a great question because it captures so many folks’ similar experiences around evolving and fearing their friends won’t grow with them. I like to think of friendships along different tiers or circles: you have your innermost circle with most trusted other who is sometimes just one person i.e., your bestie; your next tier or circle is for close friends that you spend a lot of time with but perhaps might not confide as many intimate secrets; the third tier or circle are every-now-and-then socializing buddies; and finally the last tier or circle are for friends with whom your interactions are seasonal or situational with not much interaction in between. Sometimes as we grow, we need to move our friends into different circles so that we’re not losing them completely but instead, adapting to a new way in which to continue to enjoy the friendship.
I’ve noticed i’m always the one initiating plans with my friend. Like I’ll text them to hang out or grab dinner and they agree, but they never text first. Am I overthinking this should I just stop trying or bring it up?
Dear Initiating — I like that you are noticing these patterns, as awareness is always the first step in working toward healthy changes. The patterns you describe can be telling about the relationship possibly needing a little tweaking for balance, as it sounds like you would equally enjoy your friend initiating spending time with you. The best way to handle this is to directly ask your friend, “would you be able to take turns with me initiating our plans?” This yes/no question can help reveal your friend’s willingness to meet you in the middle. For example, if your friend says “yes, I didn’t even realize you were always doing it,” that’s a great indicator that your friend wants to invest as much in the relationship as you do. However, if your friend responds with “no,” that could be a new boundary-maker in the relationship involving you initiating less so that your friend can step up their outreach. If they don’t, you’ll have more of the evidence you need to alter your efforts.
Is it ok to take a break from a friendship if it feels like it’s draining me? Nothing major happened but every time I hang out with this friend, I leave feeling exhausted. It’s like they’re always negative or complaining and I feel guilty for wanting space.
Dear Guilty — it sounds like you are worried that you might hurt this friend by wanting space. This is understandable as asking for a time-out in a friendship is usually just as hard as asking for one in a romantic relationship. Before you land here, it might be worth trying to first explain to your friend how you’re feeling and what you’re needing. To figure out your needs, try answering this for yourself: “what can my friend do to make me feel less exhausted in the friendship?” Once you know this, present it to your friend in a non-confrontational way to give them a chance to meet your needs. Hopefully they will surprise you and rise to the occasion thanks to your brave and honest communication.