Situationships 101: Understanding the Gray Area in Modern Dating

Published September 2, 2024 by Zencare Team.

Situationships can be tough to handle. They often involve strong feelings and emotional bonds without the safety or commitment you'd find in a traditional monogamous relationship. They can make you feel all kinds of things — excited, confused, and heartbroken all at once. The thing is, the dating world has changed, and, whether we like it or not, it’s a new way of connecting in today's dating culture.

What is a Situationship?

In today's dating scene, you hear the word "situationship" a lot, and it is usually used to describe any type of a relationship that is confusing and not defined. But what exactly is a situationship? Is it someone you're dating but not sure about yet? Is it someone who you have a purely physical connection with? Is it someone who is fun but you're incompatible with? Let's try to figure it out together.

The term "situationship" refers to a connection that doesn't fit into usual categories. A situationship is sitting somewhere between casual dating and a serious relationship but it's not quite either.

What defines a situationship is its uncertain nature. It involves romantic, or at least non-platonic feelings but has no clear limits, expectations, or plans for the future.

A reddit user shares: "We started flirting and the first thing he told me was that he was a "Heartbreaker". I didn't take him seriously. To be honest I liked it, he complimented me, gave me attention, we talked every night, did everything like a couple. Then unfortunately I didn't see it coming, after 5 months I fell in love. I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told him, but he took it very badly and even said ‘Don't ever say to me I love you in your life’."

Situationship vs Friends with Benefits: What's the Difference?

When you compare a situationship vs relationship, the difference is clear: a relationship usually means both people agree to be exclusive, are committed to each other, and share a vision for their future together. On the flip side, a situationship often lacks clear definitions. It's fuzzy about roles and doesn't involve plans for the long haul.

But how is a situationship different from a friends-with-benefits situation?

Situationships and friends-with-benefits (FWB) setups definitely have things in common: both include a physical and emotional connection without actual commitment.

But there is one key difference:

Situationships tend to have stronger emotional ties and closeness that goes just past the physical side that FWB or hookups are usually about.

This is how another Reddit user describes their experience in a situationship:

"So for months we've been chumming along, acting mostly like a couple but no real commitment. I learned his behavioral patterns and learned to work with him instead of freaking out like the codependent I am. We've slept together, we've talked some dirty talk, we've talked about a lot of things. There's no one on this earth I felt more connected to as quickly as I did him, and he felt the same way."

Situationships often feel exclusive even though it's never discussed out loud. People in situationships often do things that real couples do: go on dates, meet each other's friends, or share personal stuff.

One or both people can or do want more but for various reasons they do not make that known to each other. FWB setups though, are more laid-back and are more about the physical side of things.

How Being in a Situationship Affects You

Situationships are also not always good or bad on their own. How you feel about them depends on the people involved, what you need, and how well you can talk to each other and set the right limits.

Sometimes, a situationship without sex can offer companionship, emotional backing, and a feeling of closeness without the stress of a serious relationship. These can act as a bridge or a short-term setup that suits both people at the right time in their lives.

But on the flip side, situationships can be a serious challenge for your mental health and shake up your emotions. They can leave you feeling lost, unsure, and all over the place because you never know where you stand.

It is totally normal to feel these things in a situationship:

Uncertainty: The relationship itself is unclear — no wonder you feel anxious and unsure. It is also common to have intrusive thoughts and question where you stand and what will happen with the situationship.

Vulnerability: Situationships often involve an emotional connection and opening up. That makes you vulnerable and puts you at risk of getting hurt or let down if the relationship doesn't grow or ends.

Jealousy and possessiveness: Even without the clear commitment you'd find in a regular relationship, you can still feel jealous and possessive because of the emotional and physical intimacy you share.

Signs That You Might Be in a Situationship

Sometimes your feelings and circumstances are so confusing that you find yourself wondering "Am I in a situationship?" Don't worry, I've got you. Spotting these signs can help you figure it out.

Here are some typical signs of a situationship:

No labels: You and your partner haven't defined the relationship or used words like "boyfriend," "girlfriend," or "partner."

Irregular communication: You don't have a steady pattern of talking or spending quality time together.

Dodging commitment talks: When you try to talk about the future or define the relationship, you often get evasive or dismissive responses.

Things Don't Progress: You never talk about the next steps, don’t mention the future and the communication does not necessarily get deeper.

Separate lives: You haven't met each other's friends or family, and your lives stay apart. Spending a lot of time together but not talking about the future — the relationship focuses on the light and fun aspects, with no indication that it might continue well into the future. It's all about "here and now".

How to Ask for More in a Situationship

Let's say the worst came to worst: you've developed feelings for your long-term situationship. Naturally, you want more commitment or clarity, but even the thought of having this conversation makes you want to run away. And that is completely normal, after all, you like them, and you don't want to lose them.

You might also be scared of rejection, and hope that one more date/month/conversation will change their mind — you're having so much fun together after all!

Unfortunately, playing the waiting game is not going to work here. The only way to deal with it is to have an open and honest talk with your partner, no matter how scary it is. It can be scary because you.

Here are some tips to handle this tricky situation:

Choose the right time: Find a moment when you're both calm and not charged.

Be honest about your feelings: Yes, it's scary. But isn't it scarier to waste your time on someone who doesn't see a future with you? Tell them how you feel and explain that you want more clarity or commitment. Explain how the situationship affects you.

Listen to what they think and be ready for potential rejection. There is always a chance that they don't feel the same way. But remember: it does not mean anything about you.

Offer a way forward: Put forward ideas to move ahead, like looking into a serious relationship taking some time apart, or putting an end to the situationship.

Accept what they choose: In the end, you can't make someone start a serious relationship. Be ready to go along with their choice even if it's not what you wanted.

Practical Tips to End a Situationship and Move On

So you've decided to end a situationship. Good for you! But there are a few things you still need to know to get out of it with minimal damage both for yourself and your partner.

Here are some practical tips to help you navigate this change:

Talk: Tell your partner that you want to end the situationship, and explain your reasons in a respectful way. Remember, you cannot be responsible for their reaction, and your setting the boundary does not make you a bad person.

Create boundaries: Set clear situationship boundaries to create emotional space and stop falling back into old habits.

Get support: Rely on your support network, like friends, family, or a therapist, to help you deal with your feelings and gain a new perspective. It will also help to surround yourself with people or community that loves and appreciates you to avoid feeling lonely and not be tempted to reach out.

Take care of yourself: Do things that make you feel good, like working out, enjoying your favorite activities, or practicing mindfulness. Have compassion for yourself — you've just done a very brave thing and prioritized yourself, so keep doing that.

Think and grow: See this experience as a chance to learn about yourself and improve, spotting patterns or actions you might want to change in your next relationship.

Why Is It Harder to Get Over A Situationship Than A Real Relationship?

Even though they're not official relationships, situationships can often cause more pain when they end.

This happens because:

No real ending: Since the relationship doesn't have a label, clear limits or defined roles, it's hard to get closure thinking about what could have been. It leaves you with lingering feelings and questions that you might not ever have the answers for.

Unmet expectations: Even if you never stated your expectations, you often have hopes or wishes for the situationship to grow into something more serious. When it doesn't happen, you feel let down and heartbroken.

Emotional investment: Even without labels, you often form strong emotional bonds in situationships making it hard to leave.

Fear of loss: Even without the promise of a regular relationship, the thought of losing companionship, closeness, and emotional backing can be scary. A situationship provides just enough comfort for you to stay, and at first glance it might seem better than being alone again.

Emotional vulnerability: The closeness and openness shared in a situationship can make the loss feel deeper and more personal.

Self-doubt: Because the other person never decided to take it to the next level, a situationship can cause you to doubt yourself and question your value or appeal. On top of the emotional pain of losing the person, this can make the pain worse.

What Can You Learn from Being in a Situationship?

While situationships can be tough and draining, they can also teach you valuable lessons and help you grow.

So what are the silver linings of situationships? Yeah, I know, they can be a real rollercoaster, but there are some things you can learn from them.

First up, it's a crash course in getting to know yourself. You know those moments when you're lying awake, overthinking every little thing? Turns out, that's actually helping you figure out what you really want from dating, and what you don’t.

Another positive thing is the communication skills you're developing. Situationships can be really unclear, but navigating all that uncertainty is actually making you a pro at expressing your feelings. You're learning to say what you need and how you feel, even when it's tough. That's a real superpower.

You know that situationships can hurt. But they also help you learn that you're tougher than you think. Each time you pick yourself up after a disappointment, you're building emotional resilience. It's like going to the gym, but for your feelings.

Lastly, situationships have a way of shining a spotlight on issues you might not want to see in yourself. Maybe you always fall for unavailable people, or you ghost when things get real. It's not easy or fun to face, but spotting these patterns is the first step to breaking them.

Bottom line, situationships aren't all rainbows and butterflies. But they're teaching you some pretty valuable lessons about yourself and relationships. Who knew something so complicated could actually help you grow?

Moving Forward from a Situationship: Self-Love Is The Answer

Dealing with the ups and downs of a situationship can be tough and drain you. But if you want to learn and grow, you can come out of a situationship having learned some useful lessons and with a better grasp of what you need in relationships and where to draw the line.

Keep in mind, getting over the emotional toll of a situationship doesn't happen overnight. Give yourself some grace and go easy on yourself. Ask for help when you need it, and trust that this experience has given you the strength and knowledge to face future relationships with more certainty and purpose.

That's where loving yourself comes in handy. It gives you the power to handle all the twists and turns of a situationship. When you love yourself, you're more likely to speak up about what you need and want. When you've got that strong sense of self-worth, you make choices that actually work for you, not just to please someone else. And it helps you bounce back faster and reminds you that you're great, situationship or not.

Remember, taking care of yourself isn't being selfish – it's being smart. Think of self-love as your anchor — it keeps you steady, confident, and ready for whatever comes your way.