Selfaissance: Rediscovering Yourself After the Kids Leave Home

by Zencare team

Published September 10, 2024 by Zencare Team. Written by Dr. Denise Sandole, PsyD.

Hugs for “Car Tears”

Picture it: mid-August,1995. My mother is dropping me off at my four-year undergraduate university where I will be boarding (thanks to college costs being statistically more affordable last century). Unbeknownst to me, my mother then recorded herself on our 8mm tape Camcorder (more 20th century nostalgia), crying hysterically into the camera as she drove away alone to our home 30 MINUTES away…from my dormitory 15 MINUTES WALKING distance from my mother’s job site. I was less than a mile away from her most days, yet emotionally my mother felt I had relocated 20,000 leagues under the sea. She later told me that while she felt happiness and excitement for my new beginnings, she felt absolutely devastated by what felt like a sudden hole-in-her-heart.

Fast-forward, and I just watched another video of a brave and beautiful human, Brooke Shields , sharing how she had “cried a good portion of the ride home” this week after dropping off her second child at college. These moments of “Car Tears” (yes, I’m coining it right here) do not appear to be coincidental, as Ms. Shields similarly described the experience as “really hard,” “not easy,” and “just so weird that [her daughter] is not [living] here.”  Big hugs and nods, Mommas, and to all parents/caregivers who find themselves emotionally overwhelmed when adjusting to their children moving out of the family home. I cannot even imagine this future separation of what could be my own tearful car ride someday without feeling nauseous. That pain is so real and deserves patience, support, and acknowledgment.

Empty Nest Syndrome

Twice in Ms. Shields' post she stressed with seemingly equal parts disbelief and understandable sadness that she was now an “empty nester.” This popular term was first used by author Dorothy Canfield in 1914 to describe emotional stress post-child rearing in the newly “empty” home. While empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis, it is commonly reported by parents who are affected by similarly distressed experiences, which can last at least a few months. These include:

  • Missing being an active part of your child/ren’s daily lives: It can feel like a sudden and triggering shift from knowing most details of your child’s life, to not being aware of whom they interface with each day or how they spend their time. Out-of-the-loop can feel like an understatement.
  • Difficulty not feeling needed as much now that child/ren are out of the home: Parents can spend 18 years prioritizing how to help their child grow and thrive, only to end up feeling less needed as their child becomes autonomous, even though this means a successful job has been had by the parent. It still hurts a lot to not feel as needed.
  • Anxiety about aging: Parents might experience a “what now?” type of existential questioning, and irrationally speed up worrying about getting older from thinking that their youth has literally left the building.
  • Wondering about your relationship status: The family home can feel eerily quiet once the child/ren moves out, leaving time for the couple or single parent to focus more on their own relationship needs. For some, this can shine a spotlight on pre-existing challenges that rise to the surface now that they are no longer as drowned out by children in the home.
  • Tracking your child/ren’s location through online apps: It can be reassuring for parents knowing their child’s whereabouts living outside the home, but it can also increase parents’ anxiety and sleepless nights. This can be a tough one for parents to sort out and find balance, understandably so when watching the evening news.
  • Loss of purpose or identity: Without child-rearing duties, parents can experience more time on their hands, which can make them feel at a loss for how to spend it or to invest as their main drivers and interests.

The Language We Currently Use Might Not Be Helpful

While the phrase ”empty nest” might validate the initial loss of purpose and identity many parents feel, it might also unnecessarily exacerbate or extend one’s distress due to anticipating significant emptiness in the parent’s life. We want to acknowledge our expressed feelings because they tell us what we need, but we also don’t want to get stuck in them. So what if we added a second label to define the period after the first few months, once the understandable grief, loss, and loneliness have been processed and somewhat subsided?

The language we use to describe our emotional experiences can be so important as it helps identify our felt sense without sweeping it under the rug or exaggerating its impact. In Terri Gertstein’s recent Slate op-ed piece “Please Never Say ‘Empty Nester’ Again,” she suggests the alternative name “Next Chapter,” which certainly evokes less emptiness and more future-oriented hopefulness, an important reminder that parents’ lives are not over but are segueing to another plateau with different meaning and motivation.

Another new label we can add to the list: Selfassaince /SELF-uh-saans/  i.e., a personal renaissance or transitional exploration to rediscover and cultivate ideas and goals, pleasures and achievements that serve one’s own development and/or the greater good of the community. Perhaps wanting to ease their pain and future parents’ pain. I’d like to imagine my mother and Brooke Shields adding this language to their “Car Tears” videos with something like, “I am feeling the sadness of my empty nest AND I hope to soon start a well-deserved Selfassiance.” Therefore, this revised language can properly validate that it’s not one or the other but both emotional experiences of sadness and hope, which might reflect a healthier transition outcome.

How to Kickstart a Selfaissance to Rediscover Oneself

It can be very helpful to engage in healthy coping skills to soothe, redirect, and distract oneself from the emotional stress of children leaving the home, or during any life adjustment period in general. Fortunately, it does not take much scouring of the web to see a plethora of ideas for parents’ to try with their new-founded time. Some of these suggestions include:

  • Fostering animals
  • Exploring new (or old) hobbies or sports
  • Trying exercise or yoga classes
  • Arts and Crafts
  • Journaling
  • Fishing
  • Woodworking/DIY home project
  • Gardening
  • Cooking or baking
  • Entertaining friends at home
  • Joining a book club
  • Decluttering a closet/basement/attic or those infamous junk drawers
  • Volunteering
  • Joining a Meet-Up Community based on shared interested or locale
  • Contact an old friend
  • Planning a trip
  • Learning a new Language
  • Taking an interesting class or re-jolting a paused career
  • Treasuring your downtime with relaxing pastimes (reading, binge-watching, steam baths)

Go Forth on Your Selfaissance

These adaptive activities, plus a healthy mindset of gradually accepting this new phase as part of the natural order of life sequences, acknowledging and requesting support for the feelings around loss, and mindfully focusing on things to feel gratitude and hope can help parents more easily transition to children moving out of the home, or after they leave again when they return for holiday gatherings, summers off, or to start their nest egg under the financial umbrella of the family home.

If the parent finds that they are still struggling to adjust and are experiencing more longer-term distress symptoms affecting their eating, sleeping, social, and/or professional functioning, they might benefit from reaching out to a therapist to help them explore what thoughts or unprocessed experiences could be obstructing their transition to living without children in the home. In time, parents can realize that there are new joys to be had, as many report eventually cherishing their Selfaissance as a time they enjoy higher levels of freedom, devoid of guilt or shame in finally putting their own deserving needs first. Lastly, parents can interpret their growing pangs not as something weak or abnormal — but as understandable and representative of the love felt toward their children, who remain more accessible to continuing that connection thanks to 21st century technology!