How to Stop Being Avoidant In Relationships

Does dreaming about someone telling you that they love you make you wake up in a cold sweat? Has someone ever confessed their love to you, and all you felt was uneasy or even anxious instead of happy? If the thought of intimacy, commitment, or closeness makes you feel more nervous than excited, you might have an avoidant attachment style. This doesn’t mean you don’t care about others, but it might explain why relationships can feel so challenging, even when you genuinely like someone.

So, what exactly is an avoidant attachment style? And, more importantly, what can you do about it? Let’s explore everything you need to know about this attachment style, its causes, and how you can start making positive changes in your relationships.

What is an avoidant attachment style?

The avoidant attachment style is one of the primary attachment styles identified by psychologists. It falls under the umbrella of insecure attachment styles, which also includes anxious and fearful-avoidant attachment styles. Your attachment style describes how you connect with others in relationships, whether they’re romantic, platonic, or even professional.

People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle to open up emotionally to others. You might enjoy spending time with people and even be quite sociable, but there’s a part of you that resists getting too close. Emotional intimacy can feel more like a threat than a comfort, leading you to prioritize your independence so much that incorporating others into your life feels almost impossible.

In romantic relationships, avoidant individuals often appear self-reliant and prefer to maintain a certain emotional distance from their partners. They tend to avoid situations that might lead to emotional vulnerability, fearing that letting someone in could result in rejection or pain. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to be close to others—they might just struggle with how to do so in a way that feels safe to them.

What causes avoidant attachment?

While there are many causes of avoidant attachment styles in adults, most of them trace back to childhood. As hypothesized in attachment theory, young children learn how to relate to others from their caregivers. As babies and young children develop their understanding of the world, they internalize the relationships they experience and see around them.

• Childhood Experiences and Caregiver Interactions

Children learn how to connect with others through their interactions with their caregivers. If, as a child, you experienced caregivers who were emotionally distant, unresponsive, or overly critical, you might have internalized the belief that it’s safer to rely on yourself than to depend on others.

For instance, if a parent discouraged you from expressing your needs—by dismissing your emotions, punishing you for crying, or ignoring your bids for attention—you might have learned that showing vulnerability leads to negative outcomes. Over time, this can evolve into a coping mechanism where you avoid emotional closeness to protect yourself from the perceived risk of rejection or disappointment.

• Punishment and Rejection

Another key factor that can contribute to an avoidant attachment style is the experience of punishment for expressing emotional needs. If you were punished or criticized for seeking comfort or expressing your feelings as a child, you might have started to associate emotional expression with negative consequences. This can lead to a deep-seated belief that it's better to keep your feelings to yourself, avoiding the potential for rejection or punishment.

In these situations, children learn to self-soothe and become highly self-reliant, as depending on others seems too risky. This self-reliance, while helpful in childhood, can become a barrier to forming close connections as an adult.

• Cultural and Societal Influences

It’s also important to consider the role of cultural and societal influences in the development of an avoidant attachment style. In some cultures, independence and self-sufficiency are highly valued, sometimes to the detriment of emotional connection. Growing up in an environment that prizes stoicism and self-reliance can reinforce avoidant tendencies, making it harder to seek or accept emotional support from others.

These patterns of emotional distance and self-reliance can be further compounded by societal messages that equate vulnerability with weakness. Such expectations can lead an avoidantly attached person to suppress their emotions, creating a cycle where they feel increasingly disconnected from others.

What are the signs of avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment can manifest in various ways, and not all avoidant individuals will exhibit the same behaviors. However, there are some common signs that may indicate an avoidant attachment style:

• Preference for Solitude and Routine. People with an avoidant attachment style often enjoy being alone and sticking to their routines. They may be perfectly content spending time on their own, and they don’t feel distressed by the absence of a romantic partner. While they might enjoy socializing, they don’t rely on these interactions for emotional fulfillment. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might feel most comfortable when you’re on your own, doing your own thing, without the need to factor others into your plans.
• Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Expressing emotions can be particularly challenging for those with an avoidant attachment style. You might find it hard to talk about how you feel, even with people you care deeply about. This difficulty can stem from a fear of vulnerability or a lack of practice in sharing your inner world with others. Emotional intimacy, which is built on openness and vulnerability, may feel foreign or even threatening to you. Avoidant partners often struggle with direct communication about their emotions, which can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations in their romantic relationships. They might have a hard time identifying what they’re feeling, let alone sharing those feelings with others. This can create a sense of emotional distance, where their romantic partners feel shut out or disconnected.
• Withdrawal from Relationships Without Explanation. Another common sign of avoidant attachment is the tendency to withdraw from relationships without offering an explanation. This might happen when you start to feel too close to someone or when you perceive (accurately or not) that the relationship is heading toward emotional intimacy. You might end a relationship abruptly, without providing a clear reason, as a way to protect yourself from the discomfort or potential pain that closeness can bring. This avoidance behavior can be confusing and hurtful to others, as it often seems to come out of nowhere. For the avoidant person, however, it might feel like the best way to maintain control and protect themselves from potential emotional harm.
• Negative View of Others. While avoidant individuals often have high self-confidence, they may also harbor negative views of others. You might find yourself judging others harshly or being quick to point out their flaws. This critical perspective can serve as a defense mechanism, helping you maintain distance from others and justify your reluctance to get too close. It’s easier to keep people at arm’s length when you convince yourself that they’re not worth getting close to in the first place.

These negative thoughts can be rooted in unconscious beliefs formed during early childhood. If your primary caregivers were unreliable or emotionally unavailable, you might have developed a mistrust of others that persists into adulthood. This can lead to a cycle where you expect the worst from others and, as a result, distance yourself to avoid disappointment.

How Do You Change an Avoidant Attachment Style?

The good news is that attachment styles aren’t set in stone. You can shift toward a more secure attachment style, where emotional connection and intimacy feel safe and rewarding, by making conscious efforts. Here are some strategies to help you move away from avoidant tendencies and build healthier relationships:

1. Practice Expressing Your Feelings

Overcoming avoidant attachment starts with learning to express your feelings. Begin by sharing your emotions in small, low-pressure ways. This might involve writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal or having a conversation with a trusted friend or therapist. Opening up about your emotions, even in minor ways, helps build stronger emotional bonds and reduces the fear of rejection that often accompanies avoidant attachment.

Vulnerability plays a crucial role in developing healthier ways of relating to others. By gradually revealing more about your inner world, you can create deeper, more meaningful connections.

2. Reflect on Your Past

Spend some time thinking about your past relationships and early experiences with your caregivers. What messages did you receive about emotional expression and vulnerability? How did your caregivers respond when you sought comfort or support? Understanding the origins of your avoidant tendencies can provide valuable insights into your current behavior.

Reflecting on your attachment wounds and how they developed can be a crucial part of this process. Whether it was childhood trauma, unmet emotional needs, or a series of negative experiences, understanding these formative moments can help you work through your fears and build healthier attachment patterns.

3. Step Outside Your Comfort Zone

If your comfort zone involves keeping people at a distance, it’s time to challenge yourself to move beyond it. Start by getting to know one or two people on a deeper level. This doesn’t mean you have to dive into intense emotional conversations right away—simply spending more time with someone, asking them about their lives, and sharing a bit about yours can be a good start.

Pay attention to how you feel during these interactions. If you start to feel uncomfortable or anxious, try to identify why. Is it because the conversation is becoming too personal? Are you worried about how the other person will perceive you? Understanding your emotional responses can help you manage them more effectively.

Stepping outside your comfort zone also involves practicing proximity-seeking behaviors, which are natural in secure relationships. This could mean reaching out to someone when you’re feeling down or allowing yourself to rely on others for support. Over time, these small steps can help you build a more secure base for your relationships.

4. Learn More About Others

Building empathy is a crucial part of developing a more secure attachment style. Spend time learning about other people—what are their interests, their fears, their dreams? By getting to know others on a deeper level, you may start to see them as more complex and trustworthy individuals, rather than potential sources of pain or disappointment.

This practice of empathy can help you challenge any negative beliefs you hold about relationships and open yourself up to the possibility of forming closer, more meaningful connections. It’s also a good way to understand the needs and desires of your romantic partners, helping you to respond in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than creating distance

5. Seek the Support of a Therapist

Working with a skilled therapist who understands attachment theory can be incredibly beneficial as you work to change your attachment style. A therapist can help you explore your past experiences, identify patterns in your behavior, and develop new strategies for building more secure relationships.

Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where you can practice being vulnerable and learn to trust others. Over time, this can help you shift from an avoidant attachment style to a more secure one, where emotional closeness feels less threatening and more rewarding.

A therapist can also help you develop better communication skills, set healthy boundaries, and work through any unresolved childhood trauma that might be contributing to your avoidant patterns. These corrective experiences in therapy can pave the way for a more fulfilling intimate relationship with both romantic and sexual partners.

Acknowledging an avoidant attachment style marks an important first step in creating healthier relationships. While overcoming ingrained behaviors takes effort, positive change is entirely possible. By expressing your emotions more openly, reflecting on your past, stepping outside your comfort zone, and seeking therapy, you can cultivate a more secure attachment style and experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re ready to move forward, Zencare can connect you with a therapist who specializes in attachment theory and relationship building. With the right support, you can embrace emotional intimacy and create the close, meaningful connections you’ve been longing for.