Coping with Holiday Depression: It’s Okay Not to Feel Joyful

Published on October 14, 2024 by Zencare Team. Written by Dr. Denise Sandole, PsyD.

If you have found your way to this article, it is probably because you are anticipating or feeling the brunt of endless holiday commercials and utopic movies, overwhelming (or underwhelming) shopping lists, the anticipation of dealing with difficult family members, and/or memories of deceased loved ones that always feel more haunting this time of year.

You are not alone, even though the “most wonderful time of year” can make us feel this way. You might be experiencing holiday depression or what may also be known as the Holiday Blues, which is quite common. Some evidence to support our heavier hearts: the American Psychological Association (APA) found that 38% of people felt that their perceived stress levels increase during the holidays. Similarly, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) reported that 64% of folks already living with mental challenges like depression or anxiety felt that their symptoms worsened during the holidays.

These emotional surges can sometimes signify more than what is usually dismissed as the blues. Let’s see if we can unpack together what mechanisms might be contributing to our inner Grinch, and even more importantly make room for ALL of our feelings: positive, ambivalent, or negative, with a welcoming place at the holiday table.

Why the Holidays Can Trigger the Blues

In our modern American culture, the holiday season is generally considered November through January and includes Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and New Year’s Eve. In addition to the religious and cultural traditions embedded in our celebrations, the winter holidays represent a unique time of year during which consumers are inundated with joyful, festive advertising. This advertising can often trigger one’s holiday blues as they depict very happy people loving their seemingly full lives.

However, these ads are superficial and often unrealistic hyperboles that many people cannot relate to because real life is imperfect and is full of as many difficult elements as wonderful moments as these ads portray. This holiday marketing can then make us feel pressured to be as happy and celebratory as the depicted characters, which can represent unrealistic expectations since our actual lives typically don’t measure up to holiday movie status. Therefore, it can be very validating and demystifying to understand that this intense marketing approach is a big contributor to our holiday blues.

One can even imagine how lighter the holiday season might be without all the exaggerated marketing, especially after realizing that holiday ads weren’t always a part of our celebrations. Christmas, for example, was named the first federal holiday in 1870 to bolster national unity following the schismatic Civil War, not to promote consumerism. Fast-forward to the 20th century and advertisers had realized that happier consumers make more purchases of their products! So all those sparkly commercial scenes filled with shiny toys and loving glances are solely aimed at boosting our mood so that we buy more of the advertiser’s products. Knowing this fact can be very illuminating because it can help us limit internalizing the discrepant realities between ads and movies, and real life as our own shortcomings. This can lead to negative feelings or thoughts like “I am unworthy,” “I’m alone or invisible,” “I can’t connect or don’t belong” or “I’m different and that’s not ok”, and instead externalize the root cause onto advertisers and their financially driven motivations.

This reality check can then help us resist questioning or even hating our own lives, and reclaim the holiday season via our own design to set a course forward in whatever direction meets our current mood and needs, which includes reducing:

Overall holiday stress and perfect expectations.
Financial pressures.
Obligations to socialize outside of our typical comfort levels.

For example, if people choose not to gather for the holidays, we ideally want to make room for that with a nonjudgemental response, like “Sounds nice and relaxing!” versus “Oh I feel sorry for you”. We ideally want to normalize this option like an empowering choice to spend another day as one pleases instead of labeling it a dysfunctional, lonely and isolated decision. This re-interpretation is of course best suited for those who otherwise feel good and grateful about living alone, or prefer to be less socially connected during all the other months outside November—December. In therapy, one can learn to deepen these mental shifts, which is known as cognitive reframing, which is when we learn how to check the facts to change our irrational thoughts and perceptions that we’ve realized do not make us feel good.

Understanding Holiday Blues vs. Major Depression

If you are experiencing feelings of sadness at this time of year, you might be wondering if it is just holiday-related or something more serious. While both holiday blues and major depressive disorder can generate sadness, worry, and overall stress fatigue, the main difference between these two types of depression can be summed up by two factors: time of onset and duration.

Holiday blues tend to begin during the holiday season, come and go throughout the season, and taper off once the festivities have ended. In contrast, major depression can begin anytime of the year and becomes one’s dominant mood with even more symptoms of depression. Another distinguishing factor between these two forms of depression is that the holiday blues tend to improve just from talking to a supportive friend, whereas major depression might require more clinical interventions such as therapy or medication.

Seasonal Depression is a Separate and Real Phenomenon Too

A third type of depression often experienced this time of year is seasonal depression also known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD) or the winter blues, which can sometimes be confused or linked with the holiday blues. Unlike the latter, SAD follows a seasonal pattern and is related to changing seasons with less sunlight during winter months, which can then impact chemical balances in the brain with our serotonin and melatonin levels. People with the holiday blues can also have SAD, however, they are not directly related.

Six Signs of Holiday Depression

Mass General, the largest psychiatric teaching hospital of Harvard Medical School, shares that there can be six signs that you may be struggling with holiday blues:

You’re lacking the “Holiday Spirit:” Perhaps you’re feeling left out if you don’t have someone to share the holidays with or your religions or cultural traditions aren’t as welcomed or highlighted. Also, feeling like you’re the only one not looking forward to the holidays can itself be isolating.
You’re overwhelmed by grief and loss: The holidays can typically offer a lot more togetherness time and can meet our together needs. However, if you’re already grieving a loss, the holidays can only further exacerbate the absence of your loved one(s).
You’re feeling pressured to participate in activities and want no part of them: For some, the holidays feel like an extension of their already social lives. However, for others, the holidays can put unnecessary pressure on being around people and/or reconnecting with family/friends that might no longer be part of our lives for good reasons.
You’re stressed about giving gifts: The expectations here to be generous to all whom you know can be enormous and for many outweigh the means one has to fund gift-giving on top of their everyday expenses.
There’s not much sunlight, and it’s affecting your mood: It doesn’t help that all this holiday cheer coincides with less sunshine for half of Earth’s hemisphere. This can automatically make us feel like we’re running low with less mental resources.
You’re feeling isolated: It’s rare to find a holiday commercial or movie that does not depict one happily surrounded by friends and family, but this is not always one’s reality and can lead to even more withdrawal and shame like something is wrong with that person if they don’t have that set-up.

Six Signs It Might be Helpful to Seek Professional Support

Sometimes our holiday woes are part of something bigger-picture and more serious that is triggering our emotional, physical, and cognitive stress. Here are six signs that it might be helpful to reach out to a therapist for more clinical support:

Feeling depressed and hopeless for most days for at least two weeks.
Loss of interest in things you enjoy.
Constantly feeling anxious, nervous, or on edge.
Trouble sleeping over an extended period of time.
Intrusive or ruminating thoughts which have become challenging to manage on your own.
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide (see helpful crisis resources at the end).

How to Cope During the Holidays

Whether you love or loathe the holidays or fall somewhere in the middle, we could all benefit from some healthy coping skills to manage this souped-up time of year:

Self-Care Strategies: It can be helpful to engage in activities that help reset the brain from the holiday frenzy. Even just sticking to your regular routine and making some time for yourself can be grounding.

Nourish: Eating balanced meals, limiting alcohol, light therapy.
Soothe: Hot baths, aromatherapy, music.
Revitalize: Exercising, deep-breathing, safe intimacy.

New Traditions: If old traditions aren’t feel-good affairs, start your own holiday tradition by doing something new; even more liberating, if that something new is free!

Mapping out a walking neighborhood crawl to admire the holiday decorations.
Attending a tree or candle lighting ceremony.
Volunteering for a local organization or charity.

OR do something totally unrelated to the holidays like:

Practicing end-of-year mindfulness through reflective journaling about the past year.
Creating vision boards for your hopes next year.

Set Realistic Expectations: It’s ok to say no to some or even all holiday invitations, or to skip cooking and enjoy a meal at a local restaurant if that will help decrease anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. To reduce gift-giving expenditures, consider a gift swap with your family, friends, or coworkers so that you’re only purchasing one gift per social circle.

Spend Time with Supportive Individuals: If you are going to choose socializing this time of year, do your best to spend the majority of your time with those who respect your holiday visions and wishes, and who can lend an empathic ear to listen when you understandably need to vent about any uncontrollable holiday interactions.

Gift Yourself Peace of Mind

If these coping skills do not seem to be enough of a buffer against the holiday blues or if you find your sadness lingering beyond even the post-holiday let-down period (similar to post-vacation sadness), you might benefit from reaching out to a therapist for added support to find your inner peace. You can find a therapist at Zencare.co to help you with depression around the holidays. However you choose to holiday or not, we all deserve a healthy reframe of “t’is the season” to make it whatever you want and gifting yourself good vibes about your holiday choices!

If you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, you can call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. In life threatening situations, call 911.