10 Signs of Gaslighting

Published May 7, 2024 by Zencare Team

One of the greatest benefits of living in the age of content is the popularization of psychological concepts and the increased literacy around toxic relationship patterns. This information helps many people address or exit unhealthy relationships, which can have a huge impact on their lives. Perhaps the most well-known unhealthy relationship pattern in contemporary discourse is gaslighting, which is the topic of many social media posts, movies, TV shows, and books.

While the term “gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe interactions with romantic partners, medical professionals, and managers at work, what exactly is gaslighting? What are some common examples of gaslighting? And how should someone respond to this manipulative behavior?

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting describes a form of psychological manipulation through emotional abuse where one person exerts their power by diminishing another person’s ability to tell what’s real. Gaslighting is a way to control another person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. It can also be used to socially isolate a person, leaving them to rely on their abusive partner—and stay in the relationship despite its incredibly harmful dynamics.

When someone is on the receiving end of gaslighting, they begin to question their emotional reactions to certain situations, as well as their instincts and their memories. Over time, they may even question their own sanity, leading to a high level of distress.

Gaslighting examples

To distort a person’s grasp on reality—and to exert control over a person—many people who engage in gaslighting use phrases like:

“You’re crazy.”
“You should probably talk to a therapist about that, you’re really losing it.”
“Are you sure that happened? I think you’re making that up.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“You’re too sensitive. I can’t believe that you’re reacting like this, it’s totally over the top.”
“I’ll wait for you to apologize to me for what you did, that was really messed up.”
“You’re exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad.”
“It’s like I can’t make any jokes around you. I was just joking, lighten up.”

The receiver of these highly problematic comments may begin to second-guess themselves and their perception of reality. They might ask themselves what really happened, even if they have clear memories of the event. Experiencing gaslighting leads to feelings of confusion, shame, and hopelessness, and it can lead to issues making simple decisions. People who receive gaslighting often say they know something is wrong in their lives but can’t quite understand what it is, except that they aren’t happy.

Types of gaslighting

Just like there are many different types of relationships where gaslighting can happen, there are different types of gaslighting. Here are five types of gaslighting that occurs in toxic relationships:

Coercion. When coercion occurs, one partner engages in manipulation to control the other person, usually through verbal abuse or emotional threats. Coercion can also happen through gift-giving or showering a partner with affection after a fight.
Blatant lying. Blatant lying is a common manipulative tactic where one partner emphasizes their version of events over the other person’s—creating a false narrative. This type of gaslighting can be extremely damaging.
Scapegoating. Scapegoating involves deflecting blame from the true gaslighter onto the other person, often creating seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind.
Reality questioning. This type of emotional abuse makes one person question what’s real and what they can believe. They start relying on their gaslighting partner for the “truth,” which can trap them in an unhealthy dynamic.
Trivializing. Trivializing involves minimizing the other person’s emotions, making them feel insignificant. This type of gaslighting can erode a person’s sense of self-worth over time.
nts of the other person, leaving them to feel insignificant and small.

What are the 10 signs of gaslighting?

There are many warning signs of gaslighting, though it’s important to acknowledge that some people who engage in gaslighting aren’t aware they’re doing so. Rather, from their own insecurities or emotional discomfort, they’re exerting control over their partner. That being said, gaslighting is a clear type of abuse and is unacceptable.

Below are 10 signs of gaslighting that can help someone gauge whether they’re experiencing gaslighting. It may be gaslighting if a partner:

Regularly tells small lies, even if those lies are relatively inconsequential.
Second-guesses the other person’s decisions, making them question their own judgment.
Takes the other person’s concerns and turns them around, making it about themselves.
Isolates the other person from social networks, limiting their support systems.
Makes every conflict a lose-lose for the other person so that eventually, the other person stops bringing up their needs or concerns.
Changes the subject even when important conversations are happening.
Makes the other person feel empty and small by minimizing their emotions and leaving them with shame.
Never apologizes, even when they’re wrong.
Uses love against the other person, saying things like, "I only did that because I love you.”
Downplays the other person’s needs while frequently bringing up that their own needs are unmet.

Download Your 10 Signs of Gaslighting

How to respond to gaslighting

Gaslighting, no matter how frequent or serious, is a highly toxic relationship pattern. For many people, exiting the relationship is the healthiest first step. For others, there are ways to respond to gaslighting to limit its impact and set boundaries.

Strengthen your handle on reality. Keep evidence like screenshots or messages to remind yourself of the truth.
Gain perspective. Take time apart from the abusive person or speak with someone outside the relationship to regain clarity.
Set boundaries. While difficult, setting boundaries with a gaslighting partner can help shift the imbalanced power dynamic in the relationship.

Phrases to shut down gaslighting

Gaslighting is a grab for power within a relationship, and by shutting down the conversation, a person can affect those power dynamics.

When faced with gaslighting, here are a few ways to respond to shut down manipulative behavior or set strong boundaries:

“I have the evidence right here. Do you want to look at it together?”
“When you say things like that, you make me feel small and unimportant. It’s not okay with me for you to make me feel that way.”
“I hear that you’re concerned about me, but I need you to give me space. Please give me some time to do my own thing.”
“I need to set a boundary with you, and if you cross it, then I will need to take time away from this relationship.”
“I’m not overreacting, this is a very upsetting situation. I need you to be empathetic with me right now.”
“I’m not crazy. No one else is second guessing my memory on this one.”
“That wasn’t just a joke, that actually hurt my feelings. I need you to stop making jokes like that, they aren’t funny.”
“I’m bringing this up because it’s important to me. It’s also important to me that you’re open to having some of these tough conversations to strengthen our relationship.”

Another practice to consider when on the receiving end of gaslighting is called the “grey rock technique.” Acting indifferent and unresponsive like a “grey rock” can shut down manipulative tactics. If the gaslighter doesn't get a reaction, they may lose interest in engaging in this harmful behavior.

Gaslighting in a relationship

There are many gaslighting examples that can be applied to different types of relationships, with romantic relationships generally the most referenced in educational and pop culture content. However, gaslighting can occur in the relationships people have with their medical team, their parents or other family members, their friends, and their colleagues.

Gaslighting might not happen until well into a romantic relationship, which might appear healthy at its outset. Eventually, however, one partner might begin to engage in unhealthy or toxic patterns such as love bombing or gaslighting. Gaslighting tends to occur over time. However, when one person in the relationship begins to exert control over the other person — whether consciously or unconsciously — the pattern of gaslighting can slowly erode a sense of reality. Ultimately, gaslighting is emotional abuse used to gain cooperation and dependence within the relationship.

Gaslighting in a romantic relationship can be especially detrimental to a person’s well-being because it can lead to a general mistrust of other people, including future partners. The trauma of past toxic relationships can result in fear of commitment, attachment issues, or codependency.

Gaslighting at work

Gaslighting can also happen in relationships at work and can be particularly challenging because of the inherent power dynamics in a workplace. When gaslighting happens at work, it might not be possible to exit the relationship — especially when the gaslighting is happening in a manager-employee relationship. It’s important to address gaslighting in the workplace, whether that means involving HR or setting strong boundaries with colleagues to maintain well-being.

Therapy to help navigate gaslighting

Gaslighting is a deeply harmful form of emotional abuse that can be difficult to recover from alone. Seeking individual therapy with a licensed therapist can be a pivotal move in navigating the aftermath. Therapy offers an objective perspective and tools to rebuild confidence, trust, and emotional well-being. Mental health professionals are well-versed in helping people recognize the telltale signs of gaslighting and work through their trauma.

For those who have experienced gaslighting, it’s crucial to remember that being emotionally vulnerable is not a flaw. To find a therapist specializing in toxic relationship patterns, the Zencare directory offers filters to help locate someone who aligns with your needs, whether it's for relationship conflicts, anxiety disorders, or other mental health issues. Support groups can also be beneficial for those looking to share their experiences and gain new perspectives.