What to do About That Quarter-Life Crisis: Dating

In the second of our three-part article series, therapist Masha Sorkin shares her best tips and tricks for 20-somethings navigating the ups and down of dating and relationships.

What are some common “quarterlife” crises you see among 20-somethings?

Most people go through a really tough adjustment phase in their 20’s. That might include adjusting to a new job, leaving school where you had a built-in support system and social life on demand, and realizing that you now have to think about things in more of a “big picture” kind of way.

What advice do you give to a 20-something who is trying to understand how they fit into the world, separate from their family of origin?

Part of the maturation process and finding your place has been described by Carl Jung and other psychologists as “individuation.” This process of understanding how you fit into the world separate from your family of origin begins with a commitment to developing an authentic relationship with yourself. By engaging in self-reflective and emotionally supportive practices such as mindfulness, journaling, psychotherapy, support groups, and self-development workshops, you can ensure you have the right resources to guide your process of coming into your own.

Dating in the Tinderworld can be exhausting! Any tips for 20-somethings navigating online dating?

Online dating is fun but also challenging. It is easy to get discouraged after going on several dates and either not meeting people you really click with or finding you like people and they don’t reciprocate or even “ghost” you. It is important to keep in mind that it just takes one person, and the more opportunities you allow yourself to meet new people, the more likely you are to find the right one. I would encourage you not to give up, no matter how draining it can get. Taking little breaks to recharge is great, but try to get back into the game rather than losing hope.

What advice do you give you to someone who is going through a breakup after their first long-term relationship?

Breakups are really hard and can make you feel truly broken. It is important to give yourself time to grieve, as you would with any loss, even if it feels sad or uncomfortable. It is sometimes easier to distract or be in denial, but after those things wear off, you end up right back where you started feeling that pain. Taking the time to really feel your feelings and reflect on what you have learned about yourself and your needs can help you feel stronger and more confident.

How is identity influenced by early attachment and family relationships? How can someone who had difficult family relationships understand the role these relationships had and move forward as an independent adult?

Identity is strongly influenced by early childhood attachment experiences within one’s family of origin. Identity includes the way you feel and what you deeply believe about yourself and your relationships. Children fortunate to have secure attachments with a predictable, reliable, and emotionally attuned caregiver will likely develop into independent, confident adults with close and mutually supportive relationships. Others, who develop insecure attachment patterns resulting from distant, preoccupied, or unpredictable caregivers in early childhood, will more often as an adult struggle with issues of identity and relationships.

By recognizing how difficult family relationships in childhood may have influenced your beliefs about yourself and the relationships you choose to have as an adult, you can begin the work of forming new, more nourishing beliefs that will help you move forward in your adult life. Therapy can offer a safe place to fundamentally rewire and re-shape the limiting relational patterns you may have adopted in childhood.

When should you consider looking for a therapist to help you navigate a quarterlife crisis? How can therapy help?

Therapy is something that everyone can benefit from, even when things are mostly going well. Having a neutral and unbiased outlet where you can vent, process thoughts and feelings, and even get feedback can always be helpful. If you are doing well, you may utilize therapy as a place to proactively check in to ensure you’re making progress towards your goals. If you are starting to have a tougher time dealing with things, you can confront that in therapy before it snowballs into an even greater challenge. Lastly, if you are really struggling, therapy can be a place where you can go regularly to help stabilize and come up with an action plan to get out of that crisis state.

What’s the one thing you tell every 20-something experiencing a quarter-life crisis?

THIS IS NORMAL! People often tell me, “this isn’t me” or “I never did x, y, z.” Change is hard, and it is even harder to accept that things you did well in the past are seemingly more difficult in this new stage of life. This is not who you will be forever. It is a time where you may need to find different skills or coping strategies, but things will feel okay and you will feel like whatever self you want to be if you deal with the present rather than fighting it.