Premarital Counseling: 52 Questions You'll Ask – And Answer

by Robin Bryant, PhD

By the time you’re engaged, you’ve probably got a solid grasp on your partner’s personality. You know their little quirks, what annoys them, and exactly which pasta sauce they love the most. And of course, you’re confident this is the person you want to spend your life with.

So, you might be thinking: Do we really need premarital counseling? What more could we possibly learn about each other?

Actually, quite a bit! Premarital counseling helps build a strong foundation for your marriage. It teaches you how to communicate more effectively with your partner and provides a safe space to explore what you both want from a healthy relationship. Plus, it helps you navigate tough conversations—both now and in the future.

The proposal is done, and the wedding day is on the horizon. Now it’s time to start discussing family planning, handling key decisions, and learning how to avoid future conflicts. To do that, you need to ask the right questions. So, here’s a sneak peek at 52 premarital questions that can help guide those conversations.

    Sections
  1. Children related questions
  2. Religion related questions
  3. Money related questions
  4. Work and career questions
  5. Sex related questions
  6. Social life questions
  7. Vacations and holiday related questions
  8. Moving and settling related questions
  9. Conflict resolution and decision making questions
  10. Household duty questions
  11. Personal background questions

You may already know the “will we or won’t we” of whether or not you want to have kids together. But digging a bit deeper into you partner's perspective can be a good idea, since it can reveal significant issues and areas you can be intentional about the rest of your life from the start about all the different ways you can approach this.

Pre-marriage counselor questions regarding children might include:

  • How many children do we want to have? What’s our ideal timeline?
  • Do we want to hire a nanny? Or will our children go to daycare? Or will one of us stay home? Do we want our extended families involved?
  • If one of us will stay home after we have a baby, how long before we return to work? What would we do in case of a job loss?
  • Will our children attend public or private schools? How important is this to each of us and why?
  • How do we hope to parent our children for the rest of our lives?
  • What will we do if our parenting styles or values conflict?

Whether you’re devout, undecided, or somewhere in-between, religious beliefs is typically a tough topic for couples to discuss on their own. Secular premarital counseling sessions provide the opportunity to voice your desires and concerns and have important conversations about the key topics like:

  • How important is religion to each of us?
  • How much influence do we want religion to play in our lives and our children’s lives?
  • Which religion will be taught and celebrated in the home or could different religions be celebrated?
  • Will we celebrate religious holidays? If so, to what extent? What will those holidays and quality time look like?
  • What are our core values as individuals and as a couple, and how do we see ourselves upholding them?
  • How can we handle any conflicts between our individual or family values?

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For many, the journey of marriage marks the point at which income and financial management are expected to be a shared responsibility.

But it’s not always as easy as opening a joint bank account and calling it a day. You may also need to discuss mutual expectations, potential challenges, and the nitty gritties of the “f” word... finances:

  • What is our relationship dynamic in term of expenses? How much do each of us expect to contribute to the household?
  • How much of our income will we spend on our own personal hobbies or interests?
  • How much income do each of us envision saving? What are our financial goals?
  • Should we have a monthly budget? How will we set it and stick to it?
  • Do we want to combine our finances completely or keep some accounts separate?
  • How much debt do we have, and how much money do we have saved?
  • What will we do if we have an emergency expense or an unexpected loss of income?
  • How much do we plan to spend on shared interests, like vacations? If we plan to spend some of our money on a vacation, what type of vacation do each of us enjoy?
  • What is the importance of earning money to each of us?
  • How much is expected from each of us in terms of earning money for the family?

4. Work and career questions

In a successful marriage, it is important to have honest communication about each other's career plans to prevent any future issues. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about career aspirations.

  • How much will each of us work? What are realistic expectations?
  • Do we expect or want to make any significant career changes in the future?
  • How can we develop good habits to balance careers and childcare if we have children?
  • How can we support each other in our career goals?
  • How much sacrifice is each of us willing to endure for the other person’s career goals and the pursuit of success?
  • How many hours per week does each person expect the other will be away from home and family life in order to pursue career goals?

It’s a tricky topic, but crucial to be honest about for a strong marriage. After all, who better to discuss ground rules for sex with than your partner?

  • How important is sex to each of us?
  • How much sex do each of us envision having every week?
  • How will we handle any problems in the bedroom down the line?
  • How is our current sex life going? Do either of us have any unmet sexual desires or significant issues?
  • What type of relationship do we have? Are we monogamous? What will we do if either of us is interested in changing our relationship model in the future?
  • What other forms of intimacy and romance are important to us, aside from sex, in our free time?

6. Social life questions

Every relationship needs a healthy relationship dynamics between friends, family dynamics, and free time – what does yours look like? Here are some important premarital counseling questions in regards to social life to discuss with a licensed therapist:

  • How much socializing is important to each of us for a great relationship? Do we have a mutual understanding on how much time do we want to spend with each of our friends and family?
  • How important is maintaining friendships outside the marriage to each of us and to what extent should our attention and shared resources be devoted to these (e.g. weekend bachelor and bachelorette parties, weddings, showers, etc.)?
  • How close are each of us to our immediate and extended family members? How much time do each of us expect to spend with our families (alone and with one another)?

In a long-term relationship, vacations and free time can either form a solid foundation  for a lifelong partnership, or present a significant issue. This is the kind of questions and difficult topics to discuss with a licensed marriage counselor:

  • How do each of us envision spending our weekends? Where do we want to spend them? Are there any new ways we want to spend out free time?
  • How will time off, and holidays, be spent?
  • How much of our vacation time will be devoted to visiting family versus traveling together as a couple or family?

Whether you both want to move, or put down roots where you are, it’s great to touch base now. Here are some thought-provoking questions to talk about with the right therapist and develop effective strategies for your future marriage:

  • Where do we want to settle down? Will we want to live in the city or in the suburbs?
  • What is our shared vision of a healthy marriage and a successful married life?

9. Conflict resolution and decision making questions

Here is a list of premarital counseling questions to ask in your therapy session for better outcomes in conflict resolution:

  • How do we resolve conflicts and have uncomfortable conversations?
  • What communication styles work well for us, and where do we struggle? What relationship skills do we need to work on?
  • How can we develop effective communication to express difficult emotions like anger and sadness?
  • How will we make major life decisions together to avoid potential issues?
  • Where can we turn for support if we disagree about a big decision in the future?

10. Household duty questions

These helpful questions will be a great resource to talk about about your daily life and chores in pre-marital counseling:

  • How do we divide up household duties?
  • Do we have any particular challenges around sharing a household?
  • Which tasks will (or does) each partner handle?

11. Personal background questions

  • What are our plans for combining our different backgrounds, whether racial, ethnic, cultural, socio-economic, or otherwise?
  • Do we expect any conflicts related to our different backgrounds?
  • How might we plan to resolve those potential conflicts?

These are just some of the marriage counseling questions for future married couples. Don't expect to get them all covered in the first session. A premarital counselor or family therapists, will ultimately, tailor the questions and sessions to your unique situation and relationship — and give you the space to discuss with the professional help of a nonjudgmental third party. Speaking with a skilled couples counselor who specializes in premarital counseling is a great way to be intentional — and thoughtful — about this next stage after your wedding day, and you personal and financial goals for a long time ahead. You can find excellent, high-quality therapists in Zencare’s therapist directory using the Specialities filter.